Things Mike Bibby Probably Does

As we all know, Mike Bibby is probably the worst. But how much the worst? Along with blog bro Devine, here are some things that are most likely true about Mike Bibby.

Mike Bibby seems like he would...

• think it's funny to not flush the toilet.
• DVR "Mind of Mencia."
• talk about getting a motorcycle a lot.
• always be saying, "did you see that three I hit last night?" when he knows you were watching the game because he gave you tickets.
• have a cousin named Doug. (CONFIRMED)
• see Tyler Perry movies to seem sensitive, then totally bag on them with his boys.
• get bad tattoos. (CONFIRMED)
• make his entourage get bad tattoos. (CONFIRMED)
• insist on having an entourage. (CONFIRMED)
  
• think LL Cool J should make more records.
• know all the words to "Put It In My Mouth."
• blow a .07 then tell everyone how the secrets to beating the system.
• try to grow a full beard, but when the cheeks didn't fill out, tell everyone beards were wack.
• buy the Kid Cudi record.
• always get himself a bowl of cereal and not even offer you a bowl when he knows you love Lucky Charms.
• put his feel up on your couch without asking if it's cool.
• call your dog fat.
• tell Ellen Hickle that you can't dance, right before you asked her to dance.
• say that 8 Mile should have won an Oscar.
• call Jay Leno and Tim Allen his favorite comedians.
• wear cubic zirconias and try to pass them off as real.
• buy a $10 supermarket gift card as his Secret Santa present.
• front about everything.

Add yours in the comments.

My New Job

I was just on Basketbawful's job board when I saw this posting for models at Derrick Rose's birthday party. I'm a pretty big fan of Derrick Rose, and modeling, and just the whole club scene in general, so I think I'm going to apply.

Something my teachers taught me back at Barbizon Modeling School is that peer review is a great tool. With that in mind, it would be cool if y'all could review my application.

Requirements:

*Must Be 21yrs Old

Check.

*You must enjoy going to Clubs

Super check.

*Must be able to attend & Host Weekly Events

Okay.

*Must be able to Socialize and Network with new people

Of course.

*Must be very energetic and outgoing

Maybe not.

* Must be stylish/Attractive/presentable

Proof.

*Must have a Electronic presence (Facebook, Myspace, Emails, etc)

Obviously.

*Must have transportation

You bet.

I really hope I get this gig, since I love going out so much. All in all, I think I put together a really strong portfolio. What do you think?

Nets Executives Tour the Barclay Center

This is a guest post posted by the Brian Spaeths who usually posts about other things. He made a movie, and this one time we ate at a TGI Friday's together and talked about laughing.

-------------

It's been awhile since I've written about the Nets at all, and between odes to Michael Jordan and the accompanying footnotes to David Robinson, et al, I saw these new designs for their long-rumored Brooklyn arena, the Barclays Center.

It looks nice and also it looks like a building, so I felt it'd be easy to piece together what the opening night might be like.

For real, that looks like a fun place. What do you think those two dudes are talking about, and are you pregnant -

Brian Spaeth is the writer and star of Who Shot Mamba?, a Broadband Motion Picture debuting October 13th on Koldcast.tv. You can see the first teaser-trailer on the website. Brian has also published two novels, and writes regularly at his own blog.

Shameless Plug: 5 O'Clock Shadowboxers - The Slow Twilight

This isn't related to the NBA in any sort of way at all, but that's okay. Friends of the Blowtorch Douglas Martin (production) and Zilla Rocca (raps) got together, while never meeting, and recorded an album as 5 O'Clock Shadowboxers. It's really, really amazing and really, really innovative, and really, really free. It's worth every penny.

But for real, it's good. Really good.

Download the album.

Listen to non-album track "Dirt Naps."

The World's First Barnstorming Blogger Basketball Team

One of my biggest dreams since the inception of this website has been the organization of some sort of blogger vs. blogger basketball game. Unfortunately, we're not able to get enough bloggers to the same place, so we've done the next best thing instead. We formed a barnstorming team, the Rio Diamonds:

the 2009 Rio Diamonds

We're going to be travelling across the country this summer like the And 1 Mixtape Tour, only pastier. Most of our players are from the Chicago area, but thanks to our sponsor, we've been able to finance the travel for a few out-of-towners. Here are one word scouting reports on all of us, from left to right:

• J.E. Skeets (PG) - quick
• Tas Melas (PF) - Greek
• Kelly Dwyer (SF) - throwback
• Tom Ziller (SG) - finesse
• Eamonn Brennan (SF) - versatile
• Matt Moore (PF) - chemistry
• Ryan Corazza (PG/SG) - hustle
• Trey Kerby (C) - awkward

So, this summer, we'll be coming to a town near you. Get a team together, email me, and we can set up a game. Winners gets to throw water balloons at the losers, and it'll all be taped and shown on this website. Good luck.

Text Messages I Received During the Bulls/Celtics Game 7

These real life messages from real life bros were received between 6:37 and 10:32 pm Saturday night. It's like the Brad Miller remix of Texts from Last Night, only not made up.

-------------

6:37 -- Im nervous about a game i have no rooting interest in.

6:39 -- If i had one. I have subbed a raptors shirt.

6:53 -- How many tins of Skoal has Brad Miller gone through today?

7:02 -- Bangersssss

7:32 -- Thanks for basketball, God!

7:46 -- H8 big baby

7:58 -- Watching Brian Scalabrine guard Brad Miller is like stepping into a phantom tollbooth of delusional gigantism. Scalabrine is ginger Michael Rapaport.

8:04 -- It's uncanny. I feel after the game both of them are going to go home and listen to Mac Lethal records.

8:05 -- Do you think he and the professor listen to old cage records outside of the rucker?

8:07 -- Wait Scalabrine is El-P's gigantoid brother. How has no one realized this.

8:53 -- Rondo is a little girl.

9:28 -- Vinny Del Nego may employ a professional hair stylist.

9:29 -- The same one employed for Scott Baio and Willie Aames on Charles in Charge.

9:39 -- I think Brad Miller needs to start re-enacting Reservoir Dogs.

9:48 -- Nothing to be ashamed of.

9:53 -- F---ing gordon. Eddie house is an a-------.

10:01 -- Sad

10:02 -- Great run. Bright future. No shame.

10:02 -- the only consolation for brad miller is atmosphere albums.

10:06 -- They are not well coached. :/

10:10 -- There's a massive part of him that is glad this is over. Looked terrified. Do you think he'll grow into a decent coach? Mike Brown was atrocious his first year.

10:31 -- Longest line ever award.

10:32 -- It's like getting a Rondo award. Blech!

You're Stupid

The circumstances surrounding my viewing of Who Shot Mamba? are beyond strange. At first, it was hard to believe that this was an actual movie. I mean, the logistics of shooting a feature film about snake murder and the scrapped synthetic basketball are a good enough jokes in and of themselves. I even thought they now expunged trailer was the whole of the movie, because that seemed like something that could easily be done for a joke. But then the IMDB page appeared, completely confirming the existence of WSM?.

So it exists. That enough is shocking. Also shocking was when Brian offered to make some screeners, I guess to "reward" patient readers. As a huge fan of jokes and things, I signed up. So the DVD gets pressed, but due to shipping problems it couldn't be sent. Twice. Because I was obviously meant to see this movie, Brian happened to be visiting in a town about 20 minutes from where I live. You'd be surprised how many people are seeing a movie at 10 am on a Saturday, but that didn't make getting the DVD feel anything less like a drug deal from a movie about drug dealing.

When I told my wife we'd be watching it, she asked what it was about. I had no idea how to explain it. I told her it was about jokes and basketball and snakes. After seeing the movie, I think I'd probably describe it the exact same way. It's hilarious and totally bizarre and has AT LEAST Foot Fist Way potential to be a cult hit. Certainly NBA bloggers are going to love it because it's like watching YaySports, but normal people will be interested too, as long as they like jokes. It's catchphrase-y, straight out funny, absurd, and there are certain items in the movie that I would like to own.

I've never written a movie review before, as you can probably tell. I just know how to say that I like things that are funny. This is a thing that is funny. I hope every person on planet Earth gets to see it soon.

In Passing

Maybe go read this interview with Brian/The Cavalier/YAY!Sports/Mad Props to Baked Potatoes/Brian's Thoughts About Airplanes. He's the only guy who can make me appear dumber than I do. Also, buy his book.

If My Groomsmen Were NBA Players

In general, I don't do the "If Such-and-Such Were This-and-That" type of posts. They're a little too easy for my taste, and basically designed to get lots of easy links. I don't think that'll be a problem with these comparisons, as they're funny to no one but me. But it's my weblog, so indulge me, please.

Here's us:Here's our NBA look-a-likes:

That's me in the middle. Obviously.

Confession: I'm a Rick Fox Fan

In the spirit of every rapper who has ever existed, I'm letting other people spit hot fire all over this hot Confessions beat. Next up on the mic, Howie, the Hype Fellow.

----------

A player that I am embarrassed to like? Hmm… (thinking… thinking… ow ow OW, using the brain [term for sexing] hurts!) Okay, well, there’s no easy way to preface the answer so I’ll just come right out and say it: RICK FOX.

Hey don’t judge me, this is like Taxicab Confessions right? I’m pouring my pervy little heart out here. Rick Fox’s allure is not so much his style of play or his highlight reels… because well, there aren’t any... I mean it, can you think of The Defining Rick Fox play? He only really mattered when the Lakers needed to be up 15pts in the 3^rd quarter instead of 13pts during those championship runs. Other than that, his game is not memorable at all.

He is the role player to the fullest and somehow I chose to like him. My reasoning is all over the place and has little to do with actual gameplay, but hopefully you’ll follow the ride:

Rick Fox is “Canadian.”

At this very moment, you’re probably saying, “Why the quote-unquote “quotes” around Canadian” (while doing an air quotes).Well, he’s as much Canadian as I am from the Bahamas. I’m not by the way. Sure he played on the national team in ’94 alongside an alley-oop happy Steve Nash (I think he’s #7?) Yet he doesn’t quite exude the northern country’s je ne sais quoi qualities that just comes natural to Todd McCullough. But you know what? The 2000-2003 Howie Era didn’t care, all he thought was: “Hey Rick Fox is from Canuckistans? Awesometown!” His name would be rattled off during high school ball practices when we have silly dreams of the league and/or Angelina Jolie. Which actually brings me to the next reasoning:

Rick Fox was once married to Vanessa friggin’ Williams.

You may not agree with me that Eraser is the greatest love story of our generation, but you’ll surely give me that Ms. Williams was hotter than Hades during her prime. And Ricky Fox married her. I don’t think this part needs any more discussion.

Rick Fox is in He Got Game.

AKA the LeBron James Prophecy. He didn’t just have a walking cameo in this movie (um…even though in that clip…he’s…walking. Shut up.) Rick actually had a big plot line in a Spike Lee bong Joint showcasing his chauvinist pig side. You knew he took acting serious man. Which makes him stand out from all the other casual athlete-actors (sorry Ray Allen, your downfall was Harvard Man. Terrible, terrible movie) Ricky is in it for the thespian craft yo.

Rick Fox’s teeth.

Seriously, that thing has a life of its own. I think it can light up Cambodian villages for an entire year. There’s something disarming about a set of teeth so perfect and sharp that I must acknowledge it as the reason I’m embarrassed to confess to like the guy. In fact, I may be starting to confess to something else entirely here. No H.M.!

Rick Fox can play.

As a Laker (never saw him in Boston, so as far as I’m concerned, it never happened), with the luxury of Kobe, Shaq, Fisher, Ron Harper and Phil Jackson, Rick did pretty well for himself. In fact, I’d argue he played the best because he knew just what the team needed out of him (a random clutch 3 pointer here, a drive and dunk there) and made sure to do his part to the max. Sure anyone can fill his role, but he did all that WHILE BEING MARRIED TO VANESSA WILLIAMS.

I rest my case your honor Goathair.

While we’re confessing things: First pic photoshop idea copped from random, but hilarious Kings forum thread dedicated to Mr. Fox (the fan base is stronger than I thought…)

Confession: I'm a Vince Carter Fan

In the spirit of every rapper who has ever existed, I'm letting other people spit hot fire all over this hot Confessions beat. First up on the mic, Stop Mike Lupica.

----------

What’s up? Thanks to The Blowtorch for putting me on.

So when Goathair asked me to write about the NBA player I’m most embarrassed to find myself rooting for, my first instinct was “Who is the worst player I’ve rooted for?” I quickly decided it was Zendon Hamilton.

Good old Zendon was a star at St.John’s, alongside another one of my favorite scrubs of all time, Felipe Lopez. I rooted for Felipe because he was supposed to be the Latino Jordan; soon I would find myself rooting for Zendon. He reminded me of my own basketball style, if I had one – a lanky, tall, left-handed guy who drew a lot of fouls because of his awkward delivery. A lot of fouls. About 10 FTAs a game, and I’m fairly certain that by the end of his four years at St. John’s he was #1 in Big East history (or pretty close to it) in free throws attempted.

But then I realized something… I’m not embarrassed to have rooted for Zendon. So I had to think harder, and the question became tougher to answer.

I asked Canadian DJM for some help.

“Who was the most embarrassing player you ever rooted for, DJM?”

“Luc Longley.”

Hard to argue with him. So I thought about the scrubs that I’ve rooted for over the years just because they were wearing the Knick uniform.

“You root for the Knicks,” DJM tells me. “You shouldn’t have a hard time finding someone embarrassing that you cheer for!”

Perhaps. But the truth is I’m not embarrassed that I root for these guys. Maybe I should be, but I’m not. My boy E-Wonder suggested a great one, though:

“Kiki Vandeweghe. I used to love him when he was on Denver, dropping 25 ppg. Then he came to the Knicks and just sucked.”

Yeah. I rooted for him, too. Enough that I could spell his last name right, without looking it up. But he was injured. You can’t blame me for rooting for him, after all he was doing in Denver, right? So why should I have been embarrassed… I had good reason to believe in him. Plus I was really hoping he would take Scott Layden’s place as GM.

Sometimes you over-think things. I relaxed a bit, and mediated on the players that I had no business rooting for. Usually if I’m rooting for a non-Knicks, it’s because he’s either a fantasy star for me, or a NBA Live star for me. An example of the latter would be Bryan “Big Country” Reeves, who never did anything of note in the NBA, but who I will always remember for his NBA Live 95 (or whatever year it was) prowess. And then answer came to me:

Air Pussy! Of course.

Every year in my fantasy league, I get “stuck” with Vince Carter. Half of my league hates him so much they won’t draft or trade for him, even for cheap. The other half of the league is aware of this, and so that deflates his trade value, which in turn means they don’t want to get stuck with him. So I end up taking him every season. And rooting for him.

But you know what? Over the years I’ve become a fan of Vince Carter. He’s progressed from an exciting player who could dunk over anyone (even a 7’2 Frenchman), a player who held the promise of being the next Jordan so tantalizingly close to his hands… to becoming the player who is now, a forgotten star, even on his own team at times. Yet I like him more now than ever.

He’s a psychological anomaly in the NBA. He’s truly inexplicable. Some nights he’ll just give up, and walk off the court with an injury or something, showing absolutely no toughness. Of course he’s embarrassing to root for… he’s Air Pussy!

But he’s also prone to displaying that great potential, sometimes at the most random times. He’s almost completely random in terms of when he chooses to step up, and when he chooses to quit. You can’t predict him. I’ve been following him on a daily basis for five years now, and he’s numbers… well, you never know with Vince. At one point this season he will go on one of his tears, and drop like 30 points for 5 straight games, while shooting over 45% from the field, driving enough to go to the line about 10 times a game, and picking up around 10 boards and 5 assists. He will, guaranteed.

And at some point this season he’ll literally limp off the court with a sprained uterus. He undoubtedly will.

And I won’t care. Because when he’s on, he’s the most exciting player in the game, the only one who can compare to Kobe. He can score from anywhere on the court, can shoot over a double team, with limitless range. Or he take it in hard and absorb the contact, and still hang in the air long enough to finish the play. He can rise above it all.

And I will be rooting for him all season long. Even if I should be ashamed.