The Chris Kaman Story

When Chris Kaman was growing up in the mystical land of Grand Rapids, Michigan, his mother told him all of the wonderous things he could do. If he tried hard enough someday he could be an interior designer or an architect. He could become the leader of Michigan's most famous big band, The Michigan Pops. He could even fly to the moon. And maybe, just maybe, he could be the President of these here United States of America. The world was Chris Kaman's metaphorical oyster. And the family's local oyster farm was his literal oyster.

Of course Kaman's no-nonsense father Leroy told him to get to work on his post moves. If he looked anything like what those 'if they mated' photobooths at the county fair said, the President thing was out of question.

Surprising LeBron James Facts

Favorite Book: Shooting Stars

Favorite Movie: More Than a Game

Favorite Record: Music Inspired by More Than a Game

Play Count of "Forever" (according to iTunes since 8-27-09): 846

Basketball Championships Won by The Blowtorch Proprietors While Wearing LeBron James Shoes: 1

Basketball Championships Won by LeBron James While Wearing LeBron James Shoes: 1

Favorite Food: fusili with alfredo sauce

Favorite Gum (packaging): LeBron's Lightning Lemonade

Favorite Gum (taste): Quench Gum - Fruit Punch

Least Favorite Gum (taste): LeBron's Lightning Lemonade

Owns a Ferrari named "LeRrari".

Favorite LeBron from "The LeBrons": Business LeBron

Least Favorite LeBron from "The LeBrons": none

Favorite Harry Potter Book: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Least Favorite Harry Potter Book: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Favorite Comedian: LeBron James on Saturday Night Live

Least Favorite Comedian: LeBron James on the ESPYs

Headband is made of 2300 thread count Egyptian cotton.

The Most Boring Player in the NBA

Facts about Andre Miller:

• Every day for lunch eats white bread, hard-boiled eggs, and American cheese.
• Favorite television program: Antique Roadshow
• Favorite actor: Ben Kingsley
• Favorite actress: Angela Landsbury
• Takes lukewarm baths; refuses to use shower.
• Drives a silver1996 Chevrolet Lumina.
• Owns 16 pairs of Champion cotton shorts with pockets (aka "Dad shorts") in various shades of grey, black, and blue.
• Has two dogs, a yellow lab named "Rick" and a beagle named "Tom."
• Favorite color: grey-ish
• Favorite musician: Seals and Croft
• Favorite movie: The Good Shepherd
• Weekends are generally spent doing yardwork, reading the newspaper, and doing yardwork.
• Once took a roadtrip by car to Yellowstone National Park to "see what all the fuss is about." Upon return, declared the park "too sprawly."
• Favorite food: porridge
• Favorite store: Kohl's
• After a night out on the town his rookie year, remarked that clubs are "too loud" and has yet to return.
• Next movie on NetFlix queue: Grey Gardens
• As a child, met Magic Johnson and told his parents he wasn't impressed because he was "too smiley."

Collected NBA Facts Regarding Space Travel

• In 1986, at age 14, Grant Hill was abducted and held for ransom by a Soviet sleeper cell. Knowing that Hill's mother, Janet, had been a college roommate of Hillary Clinton (then Arkansas' First Lady), the Soviets sought to obtain space shuttle launch codes via ransom. The plan was foiled when Hill bargained for his release by presenting his captors with a nearly impossible riddle. Upon their incorrect answer, the kidnappers released Hill protecting valuable NASA secrets. Hill refuses to reveal the riddle and the answer to this day.


• Since the year 2000, David Robinson has overseen the production of what will be the first commercially available, manually piloted spacecraft. The prototype is called The Admiral and will be made public by 2015. The projected cost is $750,000.


• Former Los Angeles Clipper swingman Kenny Battle claims to have been abducted by aliens in the summer of 1989. Taken in to their spacecraft and interrogated for what felt like 2 weeks (in reality 16 minutes), Battle informed the space travellers of the basic traditions of human life. In return, Battle was gifted athletic shoe inserts made from an unknown polymer that helped him gain entry in to the 1990 Slam Dunk Contest.


• Prior to learning the game of basketball, Alan Henderson was locally famous in West Virginia for his stand-out performances at space camps up and down the East Coast. Tutored by the legendary Charles Brady, Henderson committed himself to becoming a United States astronaut. However, when his height exceeded 6'4", Henderson's dreams were dashed. After nearly 4 years of clinical depression, Henderson chose to play basketball and wore number 44 to commemorate the number of outer space trips that Brady had made.


• Many people think that Sam Cassell looks like an alien. Most aliens think he looks like the Pan's Labyrinth creature that had eyeballs in its hands. Additionally, most aliens consider themselves to look most like former Seattle Supersonics forward Jack Sikma.


• Critically derided as a children's movie upon it's release, 1996's Space Jam is actually a highly stylized documentary chronicling the Looney Tunes triumph over the Monstars. Producers felt that introducing animated elements would lend the story a fantasy element that would make it more enjoyable for mainstream audiences. A director's cut, with no animation, is to be included in the Criterion Collection version of the DVD, which should be in stores by Christmas of this year.

Collected NBA Facts Regarding Porridge

Here are some facts about porridge:

-Before the invention of Gatorade, porridge was served on sidelines to replenish players. Since porridge is electrolyte free, sugar was added for a quick energy boost. In the 80s, cocaine was used.

-Some players still prefer porridge (or its easier to drink form, gruel) to Gatorade or other “sports drinks.” These players include: Francisco Garcia, Eric Gordon, Jason Kapono, and Devean George amongst many others.

-In 1971, Phil Jackson opened a porridge shop in Manhattan called Phil’s Phorridge. Health code violations forced its closure in 1975.

-Strength and conditioning coaches across the league swear by porridge as a post-weight training supplement. Its high fiber content allows for maximum absorption of nutrients that are necessary to muscle building.

-While the most common form of porridge across the NBA is standard oat porridge, Phoenix Suns trainers use frumenty, a Canary Island rough grain flour. It is widely believed that frumenty has aided the late stage rejuvenations of Steve Nash, Grant Hill, and Shaquille O’Neal.

-Prior to the start of every season, the San Antonio Spurs hold a porridge making competition called the Spurs Spurtle Challenge. Though it is a team-building excersice, the highly coveted Silver Spurtle is awarded to each year’s winner. Fabricio Oberto has won the Spurtle all four years that he has been a Spur.

-The Detroit Pistons pregame “dance” is widely celebrated by fans around the NBA. What many do not know is that the Pistons are reciting the nursery rhyme “Pease Porridge Hot.” This ritual has been handed down throughout generations of Pistons, starting with Dick Vitale in the 1978-79 season as a tribute to the local grain workers.

-During his stint with the Memphis Grizzlies, former coach Hubie Brown was known to feed each of his players a spoonful of porridge from a communal bowl during a pregame locker room ceremony. Point guard Earl Watson was a vocal adversary of the communal porridge which lead to his dismissal from the team prior to the 2005-06 season. Because of the stress this situation caused, Brown chose to retire, rather than teach young players the benefits of pregame porridge.

Random Fact, part 12 - the Los Angeles Lakers

These Finals are being covered from every angle. Well, almost. The Blowtorch is here to fill in the gaps.
Kobe Bryant – owns a small chain of steakhouses in and around Philadelphia where he refuses to serve Kobe beef products since he is “done with beef.”

Lamar Odom – dedicated World of Warcraft player. Username is Modo Ramal.

Pau Gasol – recipient of experimental facial hair transplant that negates the need to shave.

Luke Walton – shoulder tattoo is a nod to his favorite store, Express Men.

Derek Fisher – prefers Sammy Hagar to David Lee Roth.

Jordan Farmar – born with a 6th finger on his left hand that was removed at age 3.

Sasha Vujacic – HATES the nickname “Machine,” but loves actual machines.

Vladimir Radmanovic – collects vintage fax machines.

Ronnie Turiaf – was once featured on a instructional dance tape called D-Gwon’s Dance Grooves.

Trevor Ariza – is the first Trevor in recorded history to dunk a basketball.

Chris Mihm – holds patents on over three inventions.

DJ Mbenga - While living in a refugee center, he was discovered by Belgian basketball legend Willy Steveniers, who eventually served as Mbenga's personal basketball mentor.

Kobe Bryant Week, Day 4: Random Fact, pt. 11 - Kobe Bryant

Did you know that Brandy's 1998 smash hit "The Boy is Mine" was inspired by her date with Kobe?

Following the prom, Brandy developed a jealous heart. Mailing dead flowers to each of Kobe's potential girlfriends, Brandy began a shrine to Bryant. One day while pasting pictures of Kobe's recently grown afro, Brandy started humming the first few bars to a song that would eventually be "The Boy is Mine."

Brandy's obsession with Kobe even lead her to enter a relationship with fellow NBA guard Quentin Richardson. Once Brandy realized that Richardson's accomplishments would never reach the height of Bryant's, she quickly ended the relationship and had her tattoo changed from Quentin's face to a cat.

It is rumored that Brandy maintains her shrine to Bryant to this day.

Random Fact - Danny Ainge, pt. 10

Did you know that Danny Ainge is the founder of The Hat Club? Started while still a member of the Phoenix Suns, Ainge started The Hat Club as a nod to his favorite literary character, the Mad Hatter. Eventually, Ainge would go on to sell the company and have Robert Horry throw a towel in his face.

Random Fact - Antoine Wright, pt. 9

Did you know that Antoine Wright is a descendant of a long line of dukes from the northeastern part of Latvia??

The Wrights amassed a great deal of their wealth through the trading of spices and elephant hides on the Latvian coast, founding a trail near the capitol city of Riga. Named the Riga Wright Crembly, the Wrights instituted a sort of honor system that required a tariff of 15% of all goods sold and 10% of all goods received, in effect garnering 50% of all money exchanged on each transaction. The Wrights used their money to fund a school for their relatives and closest associates.

Though initially intended as a science-based school, The Wright School for Elephanting and Taxation (a loose translation) quickly became renowned for its wealth of great teachers in fine arts. This basis in painting, sculpture, and mimery resulted in apprenticeships for visitors as varied as da Vinci, Michaelangelo, and Hugo. After serving these apprenticeships, the masters were then required to teach for a period of 1 year in the field of war strategy. By forcing these great thinkers out of their preferred study area, the Wrights were able to tap their great intellects for innovative war theories.

However, the Wright Empire was soon to fall. The advent of the Latvastonia Seapass (from Latvia to Estonia) rendered the Crembly obsolete, causing for the dispersal of the Wrights. Eventually, the Wrights made their way to the United States, where they continued to amaze. In fact, Antoine's great-great-great-great uncles Orville and Wilbur would become the first men to pilot an airplane.

The Wrights are among the most secretive and mysterious of the great families of the world. At times refusing to acknowledge their relation to generations past, the Wrights are characterized by a gap in their two front teeth and are known to proclaim their lineage through head adornments.

Random Fact - the Cleveland Cavaliers, pt. 8

Did you know that LeBron James and Donyell Marshall are occasionally inhabited by the spirits of 19-year old hipsters? When this happens, they travel to the nearest thrift store to buy ironic dressclothes. Items such as turtleneck sweater beneath a suit or an ill-fitting sportcoat.

Seeing is believing

Random Fact - Jamario Moon, pt. 7

Surely you are curious how NBA sensation Jamario Moon acquired his most-unusal name. While digging through ancient scrolls, the Blowtorch has uncovered the secret behind this blessed basketball player:

While pregnant, Jamario's mother travelled to the northernmost part of Madagscar. There she encountered a sooth-sayer named Jai-om Maroon. This seer promised great things for her baby, but only if she were to name the baby some combination of his own name.

Jamario's mother, Ruby Thomas, traversed the Eastern Hemisphere searching for inspiration for a name suitable to fulfill the prophecy of Jai-om. Nearing the birth of her son, Ruby had a dream filled with tubes, stars, and letters. Delving further in to the dream Ruby discovered amongst the clouds the juxtaposition she was searching for JAMARIO. Thankfully, paired with the surname of her son's father (John Moon) Ruby would complete the task given to her many months before. It has been said that the number of months that Ruby searched for a name (6) is equal to the number of years that Jamario waited to enter the NBA.

Picture courtesy of Dinosty

Random Fact - Eric Piatkowski, pt. 6

Did you know that Eric Piatkowski is still in the NBA?

Photographic evidence.

DID YOU EVEN KNOW THAT ERIC TODD PIATKOWSKI WAS STILL AMONGST THE LIVING??!?

Random Fact - Los Angeles Lakers, pt. 5

In the mid 1970's the Lakers made a bizarre uniform choice. Rather than the standard polyester blend uniforms that were de rigueur, the Lakers of Los Angeles chose an unheard of hybrid fabric composed of human chest hair, goat beard, and twine. The fabric, though knobbly1, allowed the Laker players to trap their body heat and save it in mason's jars. This excess body heat was used to incubate up to fourteen dozen eggs that were stored in the Lakers' locker room. These eggs were used for nutrition, a makeshift adhesive, and dye for their home uniforms. Essentially, the Lakers created basketball's first and only self-sufficient uniform.

1. Knobbly is a word that has become a part of Lakers lore, much like "forum blue."

Random Fact - James Jones, pt. 4

Did you know that James Jones travelled with the Barnum and Bailey circus from 1992-1995? He rode a unicycle, juggled flaming swords, and occasionally served as the human cannonball. James comes from a long line of rodeo clowns so his defection to the circus is seen as betrayal in the clowning world. To this day, his parents and immediate family refuse to watch his games and refer to James as "Ole Circus Boy" amongst their closest friends.

WERE YOU EVEN MILDLY COGNIZANT OF THIS FACTOID??!?

Random Fact - Foreign NBA Names, pt. 3

The following is a brief and incomplete list of translations of some foreign-born NBA players in to the nearly dead Finno-Ugric tounge Votic:

• Zydrunas Ilgauskas: "Winged Pig Hoof"
• Predrag Stojakovic: "Corpse of 1000 Sunflowers"
• Sasha Vujacic: "Itascan Sauce Overlord"
• Gordon Giricek: "Man of Many Pants"
• Hidayet Turkoglu: "Stabby McKnife"

DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THESE TRANSLATIONS??

Random Fact - Michael Redd, pt. 2

Did you know that Michael Redd isn't really going bald? He suffers from a rare condition where his brain expands at an amazing rate. Since his brain grows so quickly, his skull and hair cannot keep up.

DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEA ABOUT THIS ARCANE FACT REGARDING MICHAEL REDD OF THE MILWAUKEE BUCKS??!?

Random Fact - Juwan Howard, pt. 1

Did you know that Juwan Howard once enjoyed a 9 hour meal at Old Country Buffet?

During the Great Tomato Freeze of 1998, Howard felt the need to enjoy a plate of lasagna. Knowing that tomatos could not be purchased at local grocers in the greater Washington D.C. area, Juwan purchased a ticket to the buffet so he could enjoy his lasagna.

Howard would stay at the restaurant for an entire 9 hours while consuming the following food items:

• 13 plates of lasagna
• a salad consisting of lettuce, sesame seeds and thousand island dressing
• 4 cups of red jello
• 29 glasses of chocolate milk
• 1 chocolate chip cookie

WERE YOU EVEN AWARE OF THIS FACT?