Former NBA Player Scott Williams Opines On the State of the NBA

Hey guys, it's me Scott Williams, and I'm here to talk to you about basketball. In particular, NBA basketball.

You might not remember this, but just three years ago, I, Scott Williams, played basketball in the NBA. In fact, I played for the Cleveland Cavaliers with LeBron James. LeBron has gone on record saying that I'm the biggest influence on his basketball life, so trust me when I tell you what is wrong with the NBA.

Want to know what's wrong with the NBA? I'll tell you right now.

There's not enough Scott Williams in the NBA.

Actually, there's no Scott Williams in the NBA at all, and that is definitely not enough Scott Williams.

Check my stats. I averaged 7.6 per game in 1994 and then the exact same number, 7.6, in the year 2000. You can bet online that has never been done before.

Remember the time I registered my career high in points AND assists in the same game against my former team? I do. Once again, this is a legendary feat that only adds to the legend of Scott Williams.

Oh, I forgot to mention my three championship rings. How silly of me.

Think of it this way; I've got three titles, the ability to score at least 7.6 points per game, and I'm guaranteed to have a career high in points and assists against any of my former teams. You add that to the fact that I essentially tought LeBron James to play basketball. Why wouldn't that interest the NBA?

I know David Stern is quite concerned with the marketing of the league overseas and other business of that sort, but he seems to be missing the point. The NBA needs more Scott Williams, and I'm just the Scott Williams to give it to them.

Draft Daze and Dallas Penn

From big homie Dallas Penn comes part one of a video of a guy who has declared for the draft the past 17 years. It's a true story. Just as true as everything else on this site.

The Blowtorch Presents ... The Worst of the Best

Play The Blowtorch Presents...The Worst of the Best

Wherein:

• The five worst NBA players are discussed.
• At least four fellow bloggers are shouted out.
• Joe Alexander is interviewed.
• Music from the Knux
  
  

Yet More Evidence of Tom Ziller's Statistical Mastery (OR How Harry Potter Proves the French Are Liars)

The name Ghostface Ziller is hard-earned.

You see, the namesake rapper is one of the best ever, and this is undeniable. To live up to such a lofty name, a fellow would have to put in some serious and seriously good work for a long period of time, just like Tony Starks. That being said, Tom Ziller of everybasketballwebsite fame is a legend. A man who is certainly worthy of the Ghostface moniker (and not just because it sounds good). This summer was truly the summer of Ziller.

However, never has his work with Excel been so important as it is now.

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The data below (derived from the Harry Potter Blood Purity Scale) might be pretty shocking. It proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that most so-called "French" basketball players are hardly French at all.

This is troubling for many reasons:

a) More people trying to wear gauzy scarves around their necks.
b) Possible racial tensions due to anger about inclusion at local wizarding academies (ex. Malfoy vs. Granger, 2000)
c) More very sweating people who refuse to wear deodorant.
d) Proliferation of Formula-One fandom.
e) Bloghouse musicians JUSTICE (Joustice) plot takeover of America by dance-induced hysteria.
f) Techno wars between JUSTICE and Daft Punk infiltrate America, further plummeting the economy.
g) French culinary arts become more commonplace, and therefore are assimilated, and are therefore not as tasty.
h) I think the French still hate America, right?

As you can see, there is nothing good that can come from French citizenship being handed out like candy. Sooner than you think, France will have adopted enough basketball players that they can form a successful international team. This will allow them to generate enough capital to launch an attack against us through deft passing, delicious food, and delirious dancing. (I'm particularly scared since these are my three weaknesses.)

However, there is a ray of light. There is one great benefit of an increased number of "French" basketball players:

a) More BAGUETTE jokes.

When you really weigh it out, that might make the dance craze worth it.

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects - the Great Oden's Foot Edition

• Maybe a week ago, Matt and I were talking about the prospects of Greg Oden. I'm in the "best dude ever" camp; Matt's a little more subdued/skeptical/other word starting with S. The main crux of his argument is that Oden might be injury-prone. I said, "worrying about injuries is silly." Matt got salty.
  
  However, Matt also appears to be right. It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and today, I'm that big man.
• Due to internet obligations/my DVR being occupied by Dancing with the Stars and Without a Trace (not my choices), I only got to see about 10 minutes of the Bulls game. That's too bad, as it appears they are both exciting and maybe decent. Tyrus Thomas had a good game and Derrick Rose is for real. Larry Hughes being injured sure doesn't help hurt either.
• Skeets mentioned it last night, but I whole-heartedly agree that one of the best parts of the NBA season is seeing everybody's new hair/look/personal brand. It's hilarious.
  
  Particularly up for debate was Delonte West. I'm pro-hair as it makes him look less like a re-animated alien corpse, but that's just my opinion.
• Another important matter of business during the live blog was the creation of Goatman. Ergo, all posts this Friday will be done as Goatman, for Halloween. I don't know what that means, but it's going to happen.
• New podcast tomorrow, hopefully. It's available for subscription in iTunes now. Just search for the Blowtorch.
• More to come later...

The Worst Christmas Present Ever

Consider this a public service announcement to any parent of an NBA fan.

Let's say that your son is the biggest Portland Trailblazer fan on the planet. Furthermore, let's say that he's also a big shoe collector. And finally, let's say that your son loves Blazers memorabilia.

Now, given those circumstances, what would be a perfect gift for your son? First, maybe, you consider getting your son a pair of the Brandon Roy Nike Blue Chips. But no, those aren't authentic enough. You want something better than that.

Sure, you could get a Greg Oden jersey or maybe even a Bill Walton throwback. But there's got to be something more legit than those, right?

So you settle on these; game worn Steve Blake And 1 Tai Chis.

And just like that, all your careful planning and deliberation goes out the window. You just bought your son a pair of wack shoes from a mediocre point guard.

So please, parents, beware of what you buy. Just because it's real doesn't mean it's real good.

More Rasheed Wallace Greatness

The Pistons pumped gas for people. A whole twenty dollars worth. Good for the Pistons.

However, the best part of this is that it's obvious that Rasheed doesn't pump his own gas. Note the hose going over the car and the handle upside down.

Oh, Rasheed. Your pampered millionaire ways are so silly.

Everything's Coming Up Lakers This Year

Oh, sorry. Don't mind me. I just wanted to show my undying love for the Lakers.


I mean, yeah, it's kinda weird that I showed up to TwinsCon 2008 without a twin, but I really thought Snoop was going to be here. No, he's not actually my twin, but we look pretty similar.


Don't forget he used to wear hockey jerseys all the time, too. Then this would make more sense. I figured, doo-rag plus Lakers love plus hockey jersey equals Snoop, right? I'm not totally ridiculous for thinking that, am I?


Oh, no. This is bad. Seriously. What am I doing here? I am definitely not a twin. Snoop is definitely not my twin. Snoop is definitely not coming. What was I thinking? This is bad, bad, bad.


Alright. If I stay completely motionless, maybe no one will notice me. Yeah, yeah. That'll work. Just stay REAL quiet against this wall. Okay, those guys don't notice me, do they? This is just like that T-Rex scene in Jurassic Park.


Did Jeff Goldblum get eaten after that? He did, didn't he? What in the world was I thinking? This is terrible.

Slowly, Calbert, SLOWLY edge your way out of the picture. No one will notice. Take it slow.


camera flashes


Great. These guys are going to KILL me. Go Lakers.

About That Isiah Thomas News

I had thought the Isiah Thomas/Lunesta news was off-limits for a joke. I really did. Thankfully, one man was brave enough to make a joke that was both tasteful and hilarious.

That man, is Dallas Penn.

Join the On Means On Movement

First, it was Kevin Martin "on" Greg Oden.




Now, it's Nick Young "on" Fabricio Oberto.



Skeets addressed this before, but we're living in dire times, my friends.

These dunks are NOT on people.

They are near their victims. This does not negate the quality of the dunk, as both of these are nice dunks. However, they certainly aren't "on" the victim. Sorry, but it's true.

This, is on a person.



And this is how you can show your support for the On Means On movement:



Repost this (people love the Helvetica posters right now). Show your support. This is change we need.

COP MICHAEL CURRY'S NEW MIXTAPE

YahnahImean, Mike Curry head coach of the Pistons is dropping his new mixtape, One MC and 12 DPs this weekend. HOT FIRE Y'ALL!

Featuring such hits as:

• A Milli (Wins)
• Pist-Ons for the City
• Motown 25 Freestyle
• DEEE-TROIT Basketball (feat. Eminem and Kid Rock)

Available only at DetroitBadBoys.com.

Even NBA Players Can't Wait for the Season to Start

The Blowtorch Presents ... Anticipatory Remarks

Pound for pound, I'm pretty live on the mic

Oh, what's that you say? You'd like to hear a podcast of the silliness you normally just read?

Fine.

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Anticipatory Remarks

Wherein:

• Marc Gasol is discussed.
• The word "gregarious" is used. Twice.
• Mario Chalmers is slandered.
• Clay Bennett raps.

Enjoy.

UPDATE:

Joakim Noah Advises Sam, Bill, and Neil

(Sam, Bill, and Neil approach Joakim Noah, who is sitting winsomely on a grassy hill)

Joakim: Gentlemen.

Sam: Hey Joakim.

Bill: Hey.

Neil: Hey.

Joakim: To what do I owe this pleasure?

Sam: Well...

Bill: Ask him.

(Bill nudges Sam.)

Sam: Hey!

Neil: Sam's worried that Cindy won't like the way he kisses.

Sam: NEIL!

Neil: What?! It's true.

(Bill giggles to himself.)

Joakim: Well, as you know, I myself once had the same predicament. 'Twas some time ago, in fact. Actually, it frightens me to this day to think what could have happened.

(Bill giggles to himself.)

Neil: Joakim. We really need your help.

Joakim: Yes, certainly. Anyway. As I was saying, the key to winning a woman's heart is simple. Just be yourself and she will be drawn to you. It's as I always say, set the bait and then wait.

Sam: That's it?

Bill: Yeah, that's it?

Joakim: Indeed.

Neil: Thanks, Joakim.

Bill: Yeah, uh, thanks.

(Bill's jaw hang open.)

Sam: You're the best, Joakim.

Joakim: Gentlemen.

Hi, I'm Your New Favorite Player

Hey guys, it's me, Kevin Martin. You might remember me from that one time I scored 48 points against the Timberwolves. Just wanted to let you know I'm doing some pretty sweet things lately. For instance, I now have a mohawk. I also recently signed a shoe deal with Jordan Brand.

Oh, and I dunked really nasty on Greg Oden last night. Just letting you know. If you need me, I'll be over here being awesome. Nice to meet you.

More Proof of the Grand NBA Conspiracy

Those are the REGULAR SEASON STANDINGS from NBA.com. Little did you know that the season was already a week old and that they settled playoff seeds after the first 6 or 7 games. That David Stern will do anything to screw Phoenix.

The Top 50 Video Games of All-time

Top 50 Video Games of All-Time

Cheers to more top something of all-time lists! Seriously though this was a tough list to make. It also makes me think about all that time I wasted, but it wasn’t really wasted it was fun. I have had some great times with video games, and some bad. Like the time I punched my Game Gear after throwing yet another interception in Joe Montana’s Football and had to get the screen repaired. It’s frustrating video game moments like those that make winning the Super Bowl just that much sweeter.

I must say this list is more subjective than other lists that I have done. If you are reading this and you are thinking what about such ‘n’ such game, chances are I might have never played it. Also, I don’t play RPG’s. I think for the most part they aren’t fun, so don’t send me messages of hate because Zelda is not on here. Not to mention I never had a Sega Dreamcast, so I can’t really put a game on that system as one of my top games of all-time. One can only play the games on the systems were available to that particular person. So now you have been warned, and without further fluff from me here it is.


50. Scorched Earth (PC)
Simple tank game, but I played this game for hours and lot of it was at school. Dude….Sweeet….

49. Road Rash (N64)
Hitting other people on their motorcycles with baseball bats has never been this much fun.


48. Major League Pro Baseball (Game Gear)
Yes it’s true, I had a Game Gear, and the game I played non-stop was this great baseball game.

47. Dr. Mario (NES)
Hours wasted tying to beat friends in this simple-stupid, yet unbelievably addicting game
.
46. The Simpson’s (Arcade)
I love the Simpson’s, and I loved to pump quarters into this arcade.

45. Doom (PC)
This was the first game I remember being legitimately freaked out while I playing, yet it was totally revolutionary and fun.



44. Sonic the Hedgehog (Sega Genesis)
Not as good as Mario was, but Sega did have a good thing going with this game.

43. Major League Baseball featuring Ken Griffey Jr. (N64)
Home run derbies galore, as well as the un-hittable knuckleball makes this game a real classic.

42. X-Men (Arcade)
One of the best hack’n’slash games of our time, with sweet mutant powers.

41. Monopoly (NES)
I know what your thinking, bored games as a top video game, but after playing this it makes the board game totally lame. Could be the greatest video game soundtrack of all-time.

40. Mega Man II (NES)
The variety and creativity of each boss-man one would have to beat made this a real standout.

39. Super Mario World (SNES)
Played this game recently and I totally suck. It got me thinking, was I ever good at this great game?

38. Mortal Kombat (Arcade)
Sure it pushed the limits of violence, but this really was a fun game.

37. Super Mario Bros. (NES)
Pretty much the game that started it all is still fun to this day and that is saying a lot considering all the technological improvements over the years.

36. Day of the Tentacle (PC)
An interesting game that one really had to think to solve the many puzzles. It was the first game I remember playing that was legitimately funny.

35. Oregon Trail II (PC)
I pretty much went hunting the entire time, but even besides all the buffalo killing this game was educational and fun. I think I learned more playing this game than I did my entire senior year of high school, seriously.

34. Tony Hawk Pro Skater (PS1)
This game made skateboarding cool again for an entire new generation. It’s too bad I can barley get on a skateboard without immediately falling, but I can rack up a 900 on this game.

33. Super Bomberman(SNES)
Oh the fun that we had playing this great multiplayer game.


32. Orange Box (Half Life 2 and Portals) (Xbox 360)
Half Life 2 is an amazing shooter that in my opinion has the greatest weapon in all of games, aka the gravity gun. Portals is a game that will totally blow your mind and it is absolutely hilarious.

31. NFL Blitz (Arcade)
Your never quite out of it in this extreme football game. Plus, I love hitting the other team after the play is dead.

30. Karaoke Revolution (PS2)
After making a fool out of myself so many times, how could I not put this game on the list.

29. Contra (NES)
The famous code to get 30 lives is only as good as the game you get the lives, and trust me your going to need it.

28. Tiger woods 2004 (PS2)
I love golf, but this game was amazing, and I believe this was my favorite year.

27. Grand Theft Auto III (PS2)
Totally inappropriate in almost everyway, but also ridiculously fun in almost everyway.

26. NBA Live 96 (PS1)
Love the NBA live series, but this was the year of cheap fouls and Cliff Robinson shooting the lights out at the 3-point line.

25. Mike Tyson's Punch-Out (NES)
I still can’t seem to beat soda-popinski back then and now, better yet Mike Tyson.

24. Sim City 2000 (PC)
One would think managing a city would be really boring, but this was one of the first games I remember that let you create your own world literally, however you wanted it to.

23. Worms Armageddon (PC)
Full of strategy and the right amount of luck made this game an absolute classic. Plus you get to name your own cute little worms, and attach different voices to them.

22. Rock Band (Xbox 360)
Anyone who ever wanted to be a rock star can now be one thanks to this game. Great songs and good times with friends is the recipe for a great game.

I'm actually not even playing, but I grabbed a broom and jamed out.

21. Burnout 3 (PS2)
Burnout is the best car racing game of all-time. It rewards you for getting crazy with more burnout and that just makes you go even faster.

20. Civilization Revolution (Xbox 360)
If any other turn-based game is this fun I would like to play it, because I don’t think it’s possible.


19. Halo 3 (Xbox 360)
The first-player action is just okay, but the multiplayer possibilities are unmatched by any shooter game by far. You can even save your own sweet replays and share them with the rest of the world.

18. Super Mario Kart (SNES)
Do I even need to say why this game is so fun, everyone has played it and I don’t know anyone who didn’t like it.

17. NHL 95 (PC)
I played this game for about a year or two and I swear I probably averaged a game a day. I didn’t even really watch hockey, but this game was so fun I enjoy hockey now.

16. Super Mario 64 (N64)
The first true 3-D game I remember ever seeing, and it blew my mind. I wanted this game so bad I probably would have sold my soul to the devil just to play it.

15. Madden 2004 (PS2)
It was hard to pick a year because they all are great, but this was a standout year. This is a great game year in and year out.

14. Turtles (Arcade)
Now that I look back on this game I think it was designed to steal money from little kids and I was one of them, but I don’t care it was worth it.

13. Grand Theft Auto Vice City (PS2)
Being bad has never felt so good. I know you’ve heard that on probably a million tag lines for crappy 80’s movies, but it is so true when it comes to this amazing game.

12. NBA Jam: Tournament Edition (Arcade)
I remember when a buddy at school got this arcade in his house. We instantly became fast friends, wink, wink.


11 Twisted Metal 2 (PS1)
Probably on the best co-op games ever. And man Calypso sure did screw everybody at the end of the game didn’t he?

10. Halo (Xbox)
The game that started it all. Awesome in everyway. It took me a while to get used to the game’s controls, but now I can’t even pick up the old games that don’t use it’s ‘legendary’ and brilliant control scheme.

9. Gears of War (Xbox 360)
Brutally violent and totally satisfying. This game forced players to work on a team and actually talk with one another otherwise you would get screwed by those who worked together.

8. WCW vs NWO Revenge (N64)
Oh the wrestlers and the fun we had playing this game. I cannot even watch WWF style wrestling now because it is so stupid, but because this game was made it made all the stupid WWF stuff worth it.


7. Double Dragon II (NES)
I play this game a couple of times a month and I don’t mean back in the day I am talking about this year of 2008, crazy how good this game is.


6. Street Fighter II (Arcade)
Best fighting game ever. Plus almost every character has a super cheap move that if you learn you can always dominate newbie’s like M Bysons slide kick, man that's freakin' cheap.

5. Super Mario Bros. 3 (NES)
This was Mario on steroids back in the day. I still think this is the best and funnest (yes that is a word now) Mario game of all-time.

4. Warcraft II (PC)
Oh the brilliance of this game. This game’s strategy was absolutely pure genius, not to mention it was unbelievably fun.

3. Mario Kart 64 (N64)
No more taking turns, now we can play with 4 players in probably the greatest multiplayer game ever made.

Banana Jungle!

2. Goldeneye 007 (N64)
I already loved James Bond, and I liked shooting people, so this was naturally a nice fit for me in my life, but this game was simply amazing. It pretty much started multiplayer shooter games, and replaying the single player levels was still amazing.

1. Tecmo Super Bowl (NES)
The best game of all-time. I love football games, but this game was way ahead of its time. This game made playing for statistics even more important than winning. As long as my guys were ahead in all the major categories like QB passing yards then I was okay with a tough loss. The game play is perfect, not hard to pick up, but difficult to master. I still love and will forever play this game. Thank You Tecmo, thank you.