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Saturday, January 30, 2010

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Friday, January 29, 2010

The Shane Battier Replicant

Firefox

They did it, guys. They finally cloned a human, and as expected, something went wrong. This SCOUNDREL is running around calling himself "Shane Batch-ee-yay" to sound more dangerous, like Stephon Urquelle.

Well you're not fooling me Fake Shane Battier.

I've been watching you ever since that mustache showed up. You're shooting inefficient shots. You're not playing helpside defense. And when you challenge shooters, you're going for the ball and not putting your hand in their face. Did you think we wouldn't notice, Fake Shane Battier? Come on, son.

Next thing we know you're going to be trying to smooth out your head wrinkles. You're fooling no one Fake Shane. No one. Everybody who knows anything about facial hair knows that the mustache is the least efficient form of facial hair. It doesn't keep your face warm and it doesn't make your head seem longer, so what's the point? The real Shane Battier would never grow a mustache, YOU FAKING FAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thursday, January 28, 2010

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Sean Marks Takes a Break

OH SNAP SON. Marcus you dropped that ball, man. Go get it. I'll just hang out here. Can't believe you're just throwing the ball out of bounds for no reason. Kinda wack, bro.

I'm freaking out? How? Because I'm yelling OH SNAP? Big deal. Maybe if you didn't throw the ball out of bounds for no reason I could just relax and set some back screens. Looooooove setting back screens.

OH SNAP. I'm gonna go set some back screens after you get that ball.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Mike Woodson is the Tipping Point

Y'all probably already know that Mike "Carl Winslow" Woodson of the Atlanta Hawksers shaved his eyebrows off to convince his team that he was crazy so that they would win in order to not upset their clearly insane coach. BUT did you know that Mr. Mike Woodson started a trend amongst the more style-conscious NBAers?

That is a true fact.

I found the pictures.

Charlie Villanueva was the first to try it, even before Mike Woodson did it. But people were kind of weirded out by Charlie's devotion to this look. He might have taken it too far.

Trying to show solidarity to both Charlie (both have bad contracts) and Mike Woodson (both of their cities can't believe their team still employs them), Jared Jeffries went eyebrowless. It's actually an improvement.

When all these guys started shaving their eyebrows off, Brad Miller took notice. Since he likes co-opting Black style, he adopted the shaved eyebrows look as well.

Then Troy Murphy attended the Symposium for Big White Guys Who Shoot Threes and saw Brad Miller and he was like, "nice, bro." He went home and shaved off his eyebrows because he thought that's what the whole group was doing. Whoops.

Then Troy Murphy came back to Indiana with no brows, and Earl Watson realized that his massive caterpillars needed some trimming so why not just get rid of them totally. Typical Earl Watson, always kinda messing things up just a little.

Since Brad did it, I had to do it. It's for art, guys. I might also look in to chest hair/giant hands removal. If you know anybody that specializes in that very specific area, holler at me.

As you can see, Mike Woodson is the classic "maven" from Malcolm Gladwell's The Tipping Point, a book about random capitalization. It was his daring to bring style to the court that made it okay for all of us to shave our eyebrows.

Shave yours off tonight, take a picture, and it will be posted here. Together we can shave lives.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Part 7

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. You're just shooting a jumpshot, relax a little. Oh my bad. Let me guess, your back is tightening up. Because you're like a thousand. I guess that makes sense, unlike your continuing Team Jordan affiliation. Although I'm sure that helps out their age discrimination diversity. Maybe call up your best buddy Lance Armstrong to see how he stays so limber.

Chill out, Juwan Howard

Monday, January 25, 2010

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