The Fable of Ben Wallace

In the Bible, there's the story of Samson and Delilah. Given his luscious locks, Samson is told he'll have unfathomable strength as long as he never cuts his hair. However, enticed by Delilah, his hair does get cut and he loses all his strength. Whoops.

However, I don't think the Bible mentions that before his haircut, Samson's productivity would drastically decrease to the point where he's considered one of the worst free agent signings in history. Or that he had an entire metropolitan fan base upset that he was a part of their team. And it's probably glossed over, but I'm pretty sure that Samson never had his hair in cornrows.

Oh, and Samson could shoot freethrows.

The Brad Miller Show: Brad Miller Practices Martial Arts

Seeking to add quickness and agility to his game, Brad Miller has begun martial arts training.

NBA Players I Think I Could Beat in a Fight

This is me. I am 6 feet 5 inches tall, and I weigh around 220 pounds. I am 25 years old. According to this 2006 survey, I'm just about the average NBA player, except the 4ish years of experience. Unfortunately, I've yet to be called up from the Glendale Heights Park District Men's A League. I'm surprised, too.

I'm pretty even-keeled. I don't have a terrible temper, but I also won't back down from a confrontation. Two Sundays ago, I nearly started a riot at my men's league game, due to an intentional foul. While I'm not actively seeking out fights, if someone were to start one with me, I'm going to defend myself. Of course, I'm a genial fellow, so I haven't been in a legitmate fight since 4th grade when I beat up Mike Punkachar in my living room.

But being average-sized, I thought it was necessary that I put together a list of players who I think I could beat in a fight. Even though Barack Obama wouldn't let it happen, there's a chance that another Pacers/Pistons brawl could happen at any time. Here is the list of NBA players I think I could beat in a fight, with a short description why:

• Alex Acker - probably asthmatic.
• Maurice Ager - lacks peripheral vision.
• Alexis Ajinca - seems awkward.
• Morris Almond - too pretty.
• Chucky Atkins - named Chucky.
• Jose Barea - tiny.
• Marco Bellinelli - extreme tan suggests vanity.
• Goran Dragic - appears to be 11.
• Kevin Durant - weak.
• Daniel Gibson - well-groomed, and therefore unconcerned with physical contact. Nicknamed "Boobie."
• Manu Ginobili - would fall.
• Kyle Korver - avoids confrontation.
• Rashard Lewis - timid/easily bruised.
• Tyronn Lue - small wingspan and top-heavy.
• Steve Nash - brittle.
• Chris Quinn - looks like this:


• Cheikh Samb - easily distracted by shiny objects.
• Sun Yue - weighs 120 pounds. Possible martial artists. May re-think this one.
• Roko Ukic - pregnant.
• Yao Ming - slow, lots of surface area for striking.

I JUST SAW NATE ROBINSON FIST POUND WILL FERRELL

Yo, you are not going to BELIEVE this, bro. I was at the Knicks game last night. Baller status seats. I'm talking on the court, man. One of the bank's brokers hooked me up. Anyways, guess who's sitting right in front of me.

Will Ferrell.

Yeah. THAT Will Ferrell. He is just as funny in real life. You had to be there. I can't even explain it.

So me and my boy Nolan are just chillin', when Nate Robinson walks over to Will and fist pounds him. It was awesome. Best night of my life.

Will Ferrell, dude! Will. Ferrell.

Found Item(s): Vinny Del Negro's Coaching Notes

NBA Pop Culture Comparisons

Hey guys, don't you think Vinnie Del Negro totally looks like Al Pacino if you ironed him?

POP CULTURE COMPARISON

I JUST thought of this, don't you think that NBA players look like guys from The Wire?

POP CULTURE COMPARISON

Or how about this: the Spurs have beef jerky playing for their team!

POP CULTURE COMPARISON

Here's another good one: NBA players look like rappers!

POP CULTURE COMPARISON

Okay, okay. Last one. Donny Marshall looks EXACTLY like Ludacris.

POP CULTURE COMPARISON

Happy Birthday to Me

Maybe I didn't get what I asked for, but the fact that Brad Miller is coming back to Chicago is the next best thing I could possibly receive in the realm of the NBA. He even sent me this mostly lucid video:

25 is shaping up to be a GREAT year.

A Stats Primer

I was reading the Internet last night. I only made it about halfway through the Internet when I came upon this article from the New York Times. It was written by a guy who wrote a book about the use of stats (short for "statistics," which is short for "numbers of things that happened") in baseball, but this article is about stats in basketball (proposed new name: statsketball). The piece is centered on Houston Rockets forward Shane Battier (proposed new name: Stattier).

It was intriguing! I learned a bunch about stats. I don't know if you guys have heard about stats, so let me teach you some things about stats.

First and foremost, you need to know what stats are. A stat is a way that we count things that happen. If you have more than one stat it becomes stats. In essence, stats is the plural form of stat, which is a name for something that happened. For instance, if a player takes a jump shot, that is a stat. Let's say that player (Rajon Rondo) misses that shot, that is also a stat. If you combine these, that is a player's stats.

The formula:

STAT + STAT = STATS

That is how we get stats.

(Note: sometimes people say statistics when they are talking about stats. They are the same things. These people just like to sound like scientists.)

Now that you know where stats come from, let's learn about what the article talks about. Because it's not just about stats. It's also about advanced stats, which are kind of like if stats could get superpowers. But between stats and advanced stats are intermediate stats.

Some people didn't think stats were good enough. They were haters. So they decided, "we need more stats." They took all the normal stats (like points and assists and rebounds) and divided them by other stats (games and shots and ratios). This made new stats which are called intermediate stats. They're pretty much normal nowadays, like how the average height of humans has increased over time.

But intermediate stats were not enough for some people. These people were probably people who liked; a) numbers and b) basketball. I don't know for sure, but that's a guess (they'd call it a hypothesis). So these people took stats and intermediate stats and decided to make advanced stats. It's the same as when John Madden invented the Turducken or Charles Darwin invented evolution.

Here's a diagram that shows how stats became advanced stats:

As you can see, stats was a quadroped in the primordial ooze until John Hollinger (a stat-liker/maker) made advanced stats which stands on two legs and lives in a forrest.

Advanced stats can tell us a lot of things. They can tell us how many points a player scores per minute. They can tell us what a player's PER is, which is a measure of how much good a player does. They can allow us to compare a team that plays fast but sucks (the Knicks) with a team that plays slow but sucks (the Wizards). All of these things are possible because of advanced stats. They're pretty cool.

But even advanced stats can't tell us everything. For instance, the Rockets have to have super-advanced stats that tell them how good Shane Stattier (nee' Battier) is at playing basketball. The public (me and you) do not have access to these, but we can assume that they would be like if humans grew wings. Even with super-advanced stats, the Rockets still need to use their eyes to assess things like Stattier's head folds, gap teeth, and ability to place his hand millimeters away from another player's face without actually touching it (REALLY annoying on car trips to Six Flags). Unfortunately, not even Tom Ziller can invent stats to measure those things.

I'm pretty sure I covered everything there is to know about stats, intermediate stats, advanced stats, and super-advanced stats but I might have missed something. If you think you'll get some extra learning from it, go read the article about statsketball. You'll be glad you did because then you can tell all your friends about stats.

Thanks for learning!

1000 Words: Science, Perfected

All it took was a single lock of hair for Rick Fox to create Earth's first clone. Unfortunately, Rick doubled the recipe.

Breaking Trade

In a three-team deal, Chris Andersen and your grandmother have been shipped from, respectively, the Denver Nuggets and Forest Oaks Retirement Home to the Phoenix Suns. In return, the Nuggets received 24 8-ounce bottles of Ensure Vanilla Supreme Nutrition Shake and the Retirement Home received Matt Barnes' haircut.

Happy Birthday, Michael Jordan

On this day, 46 years ago, Michael Jordan was born. Approximately 24 years later he was creeping people out with his slow motion grin.



Happy Birthday, Michael Jordan.

Happy Valentine's Day

Back to the Future IV

"Alright, here's the pitch; we send Kevin Love, Luke Walton, Kevin Martin, Spencer Hawes, and Kosta Koufos back to the early 90s when they're playing bitty basketball. If they don't get back to the future before the Summer of 2010, they'll tear a hole in the space time continuum and LeBron James will decide to play bass for the recently reformed Limp Bizkit."

1000 Words: Jon Hamm is Trying to Act Here

"Look, I realize you're brooding. But what do you want me to do? I can't get him to stop yelling about the Lakers."

via

Collected NBA Facts Regarding Porridge

Here are some facts about porridge:

-Before the invention of Gatorade, porridge was served on sidelines to replenish players. Since porridge is electrolyte free, sugar was added for a quick energy boost. In the 80s, cocaine was used.

-Some players still prefer porridge (or its easier to drink form, gruel) to Gatorade or other “sports drinks.” These players include: Francisco Garcia, Eric Gordon, Jason Kapono, and Devean George amongst many others.

-In 1971, Phil Jackson opened a porridge shop in Manhattan called Phil’s Phorridge. Health code violations forced its closure in 1975.

-Strength and conditioning coaches across the league swear by porridge as a post-weight training supplement. Its high fiber content allows for maximum absorption of nutrients that are necessary to muscle building.

-While the most common form of porridge across the NBA is standard oat porridge, Phoenix Suns trainers use frumenty, a Canary Island rough grain flour. It is widely believed that frumenty has aided the late stage rejuvenations of Steve Nash, Grant Hill, and Shaquille O’Neal.

-Prior to the start of every season, the San Antonio Spurs hold a porridge making competition called the Spurs Spurtle Challenge. Though it is a team-building excersice, the highly coveted Silver Spurtle is awarded to each year’s winner. Fabricio Oberto has won the Spurtle all four years that he has been a Spur.

-The Detroit Pistons pregame “dance” is widely celebrated by fans around the NBA. What many do not know is that the Pistons are reciting the nursery rhyme “Pease Porridge Hot.” This ritual has been handed down throughout generations of Pistons, starting with Dick Vitale in the 1978-79 season as a tribute to the local grain workers.

-During his stint with the Memphis Grizzlies, former coach Hubie Brown was known to feed each of his players a spoonful of porridge from a communal bowl during a pregame locker room ceremony. Point guard Earl Watson was a vocal adversary of the communal porridge which lead to his dismissal from the team prior to the 2005-06 season. Because of the stress this situation caused, Brown chose to retire, rather than teach young players the benefits of pregame porridge.

Bulls Legend Johnny "Red" Kerr Honored with Bill Wennington Statue

CHICAGO -- In a touching ceremony at Tuesday night's game against the Detroit Pistons, former Chicago Bulls coach and announcer Johnny "Red" Kerr was honored by the team with a statue of former Bulls center Bill Wennington. On hand to celebrate Kerr's contributions to basketball in Chicago, Wennington said, "I think it's great that they'd give Red a statue of me. I look wonderful in brown."

The ceremony, lasting nearly 40 minutes, was a celebration of the 35 years of Kerr's service to the Bulls organization. Called the third best center of his era by the surprisingly agile Dolph Schayes, Kerr was known for his high post mastery, a skill shared by Wennington. Also in common with Wennington was Kerr's announcing career, which lasted more than 30 years.

After the Bulls' first three championships, Kerr spoke of the Bulls' need to sign a goateed center who could shoot a 12-foot jumper. Out of pity, the Bulls signed Wennington and soon after won three consecutive titles, an accomplishment usually attributed to this transaction. Kerr was also instrumental in the creation of the "Beef Wennington," a quarter-pound burger with cheese, bacon, onions, pickles, mustard and barbecue sauce that was served at Chicago-area McDonald's.

These connections made the decision to memorialize Kerr with a Wennington statue an easy one for Bulls general manager John Paxson. Said Paxson, "The only thing Johnny loved more than basketball was Bill Wennington. The only thing he loved more than Bill Wennington was the Beef Wennington."

Flanked by basketball luminaries such as Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Stacey King as well as family members, Kerr was presented the statue at halftime of the game. He was also given a collage made my local sixth grader Terrance McKenzie.

A Joke

Sometimes I don't know what to post here. Sometimes I have nothing to post. I scour the internet, looking for pictures of Tony Parker acting really French, but nothing turns up. I get sad, because I can't bring you people happiness. When that sort of thing happens, I just go to my room, lock the door, and record an entire album using AutoTune. That's what we do in the 21st century.

Today is one of those days. So in lieu of unearthing my massive collection of mid-90s NBA public service announcements, I'll just post a joke.

Liveblogging a Blog Post

9:36 -- Some Dude: goathair is going through his Google Reader. He subscribes to WAY too many streetwear blogs.

9:36 -- Another Dude: Seriously. How many times can you see a terrible Lil' Wayne song?

9:37 -- Some Dude: Okay, and now he's sharing a The Big Lead article, saying how stupid the author is. He's winning some points back.

9:37 -- Some Dude: The only thing is, he's not finding anything good to post on.

9:37 -- INTERNET COMMENTER: He sucks anyways. All he ever does is post stupid satires.

9:38 -- UtahJazzFan09: That babies post from last week was so stupid. I totally burned him with "Moron + Blog = Bad."

9:38 -- Matt Moore: I don't think so. Goathair's a friend, and a pretty good blogger. His Morning Bell has been awesome. My wife loves it.

9:39 -- Some Dude: He's in Tumblr now. If he even does another parody like that Patrick Ewing thing I'm unsubscribing from his RSS.

9:39 -- INTERNET COMMENTER: THAT WAS SOOOOOOOOO GAY!!!!!

9:40 -- typicalnbablog: maybe he'll compare nba players to guys from the wire. thatd be hilarious

9:40 -- AnotherTypicalNBABlog: Don't you think that this guy looks like this pop culture figure? I can compare these things, which shows that I'm both funny and well-versed.

9:41 -- Some Dude: I like what goathair's doing here. He's in Yahoo!'s main page, looking through pictures from last night.

9:42 -- Another Dude: Yeah, he does that a lot. Finds something that looks silly from last night and makes fun of it. It's not terribly creative, but it's effective. Kind of like The Raconteurs.

9:43 -- INTERNET COMMENTER: LEBRON SUCKS KOBE RULEZ

9:44 -- typicalnbablog: Did you ever notice that goathair looks like Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro?

9:45 -- AnotherTypicalNBABlog: Haha, yeah. I'm going to go write a fake conversation about it.

9:46 -- Some Dude: He's found a picture.

9:46 -- Another Dude: Oh, great. Another "Brook Lopez Acts Like Napoleon Dynamite" post. BORING.

9:46 -- Some Dude: I don't know. Goathair has kind of shunned that sort of post lately. It's like he saw it happening all over the place and decided to switch up.

9:47 -- INTERNET COMMENTER: HE SUX WORST NOW

9:48 -- Some Dude: Wait. He's opening Paint? Why?

9:49 -- Another Dude: What's that say? "DUUUUHHHH?" Oh, brother. He's lost it.

9:50 -- Some Dude: No way. His Brook Lopez is a classic. He's heading in to Blogger now.

9:51 -- Some Dude: Caption: "Oh, Brook Lopez. Sometimes you make it too easy."

9:52 -- Another Dude: Game over. Post up.

9:52 -- Some Dude: Alright, readers. Looks like we're done here. Thanks for reading/commenting.

1000 Words: Missed You, Brook

Oh, Brook Lopez. Sometimes you make it too easy.

The Differences Between Anthonys

The NBA is a big place. There are over 15, 000 players currently playing and it's understandable to sometimes get confused about who is who. Trust me, I know. One time, I mixed up Tony Dumas and Richard Dumas and felt like a jerk for upwards of 8 months.

But that's not the point right now. The point right now is the various Anthonys who are in the NBA. Did you know there are nine current NBA players who have Anthony as a first or last name? I did. I did the research. Furthermore, did you know that greater than 25% of NBA players have Anthony as a middle name? That's true, too. Players such as Brad Miller, Andrew Bynum, Francisco Garcia, and Joakim Noah all share this middle name. In fact, Anthony is even the middle name of Carmelo Anthony, making him Carmelo Anthony Anthony. I know, it's hard to believe but I wouldn't make that up.

Even more confounding is that there are FOUR current point guards who have the first name Anthony. Johnson, Carter, Roberson, and Parker are all point guards and it's easy to get mix them up. But in order to subvert that confusion, I've created this annotated guide to the different point guard Anthonys in the league. It is suggested that this be printed in your wallet and carried at all times. Or you can just bookmark this page. Either way, it's best to have this information with you at all times.

For this chart, green connected boxes are similarities and red boxes that aren't connected are things that are unique to each player. As you can see, I've numbered each box for easy reference. Green:

1. Johnson and Carter are both bald.
2. Johnson, Carter, and Roberson all have facial hair.
3. Parker and Johnson both have the number 8 on their jerseys.
4. Roberson and Parker both have closely trimmed hair, but are not bald.
5. Carter and Roberson both have tattoos.
6. Carter and Roberson both have the number 5 on their jerseys.
7. Parker and Roberson both have necks while Johnson and Carter are neckless.

Red:

1. Roberson wears a thin rubber strap bearing the word "BALLA."
2. Parker wears a black wrist wrap that conceals the sweet friendship bracelets he got while playing overseas.
3. Parker wears a white wristband.

As you can see, these Anthonys are VERY similar and also interchangeable. There are rumors around the NBA that, at times, these Anthonys have been switched between teams without anyone knowing. However, with this detailed diagram, we won't be fooled again.

Thanks for learning!

Laughing Is Fun

I didn't get to see the Magic/Clippers game last night. I'm pretty upset about it, because there was apparently something very funny about it. Just looking through Yahoo!'s photo gallery I feel like I missed something.

I mean, look at all the guys having a great time:

Obviously, Dwight Howard was having a great time. He always has a great time.Even the bench guys were laughing:What could be SO funny? It had to be something so ridiculous that you couldn't help but laugh. Well, unless you're Marcus Camby. He thinks you're making a mockery of the game.

Geez, Marcus Camby. Just let the guys have some fun. I mean, you don't want to be like the referee, who was pretty upset that he didn't get the joke.But then I realized that I'M the referee. I don't get the joke because I didn't get to see the game. And I got pretty bummed out.

As much as a fan of basketball I am, I'm an even greater fan of laughing. I LOVE laughing. Who doesn't? It's awesome. Endorphins.

So I searched through the gallery, hoping to understand. It was just a few clicks more, but I got the joke.
JJ Redick played point guard last night! In an actual NBA game, for an actual NBA team!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. I totally get it now. Oh laughing, you're the best. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

A Couple of Your Buddies Played Basketball Last Night

Last night, I went to the gym with my best friend. First we lifted some weights (back day), then we decided we'd play some basketball to get our cardio on. It was pretty fun.

Then your buddies showed up.

Your friend, Jeff? That guys sucks. He's got the most annoying voice on Earth and he would not shut up. Oh, and I'm pretty sure his elbows are made of razorwire. I don't know what his problem is, but he was throwing elbows at everyone. What a jerk. I mean, seriously, who plays basketball with gel in their hair?

Kevin seemed alright, except: a) line beard. You know I hate line beards, and b) holy cow is he sweaty. I kind of felt bad for him, it was really gross. But then I remembered his line beard and didn't feel quite as bad.

I think you need to tell your friends to chill out the next time they come to the gym. They were playing WAY harder than anyone else, and it was really getting on everybody's nerves. It's cool that they were trying to "take the competition up a notch," or whatever, but they were really lame. Jeff kept making these really inappropriate jokes then laughing to himself with this smug smile. It really weirded me out.

I don't mean to be a jerk, but if those guys don't relax, they're not welcome at X-Sport Fitness.

Utah Jazz Fans Are Such Babies

Oh, please, Utah Jazz fans. Stop being such stupid babies. You're always whining about pureed carrots, or Chris Paul, or that you need a nap. Enough already.

I mean, seriously, stop acting so infantile. We're all grown-ups here. Well, except for you. I can't believe how immature you're being about all of this.

Yeah, great, you have a Carlos Boozer jersey. I guess that explains why you cry so much. Could you please stop with the crying? No, Deron Williams is not better than Chris Paul and I will not get you your blanket. I offered to get you your blanket earlier and you said you were hot. Make up your mind.

I've had just about enough of your neediness and approval-seeking behavior. Not to mention that your grasping reflex is endlessly frustrating. And the tantrums. PLEASE stop with the tantrums. You look like an idiot. I don't know how many different ways I can explain that Paul Millsap is just as good as Carlos Boozer, so stop crying. You can burp yourself if that's how you're going to act.

You are so selfish. When was the last time you fixed me a meal? Or admitted that Matt Harpring wasn't good? I can tell you: never. Would it kill you to feed me some strained peas from a tiny glass jar?

Seriously, I'm not getting your blanket no matter how loud you cry. You've got your binky, isn't that enough? Of course it isn't. It never is for you. Let me guess, you want me to tell you that you can win a championship this year. That's it, right? Well too bad.

You've got a lot of growing up to do.

Explaining Hook Shots

The hook shot is something near and dear to my heart. When the Trey Kerby YouTube mixtape (currently in production) finally drops, you best believe that there will be significant hooking involved, along with a very loud and ignorant rap song. That's the YouTube way.

Given these credentials, I'm pretty much the internet's leading expert on the hook shot. Furthermore, I have a degree in Health Science which allows me to explain things by using physics. Also, MS Paint lines/Helvetica.

Our first case is Yao Ming: Notice the three main elements that make a successful hook shot:

1. Full extension of the shooting arm.
2. Body and off-arm shield the defender from blocking the shot.
3. Strange facial expression.

Let us compare this to Dwight Howard:

As you can see, Dwight has his elbow bent which prevents him from getting the proper arc on his hook. Plus his body is nearly facing his defender, whom he hasn't shielded with his off-arm. However, his face is pretty crazy, so that's working for him.

Now another successful hook shotta, Tim Duncan:Fully extended. Defender shielded. Face showing no emotion due to his cyborg innards. Two out of three ain't bad. MEATLOAF QUOTE.

Anyways, when Duncan decides to get balanced and shoot a real hook, it's perfect. Surprising. Of course, if you were Tim Duncan and could throw up anything and have it go in, why wouldn't you? Because you would. You know you would.

But here's Greg Oden:

While his arm is extended and he's trying to shield the defender, he just isn't doing it right. His hooks look like when your high school coach teaches you a hook shot, so you try it in a JV game and airball it short. But you got fouled and make both free throws anyway, so whatever. That's exactly what it looks like. His arm needs to be extended so that he can get some separation from his defender.

Here's our last comparison.

First, Pau Gasol:Good extension, shielding, and separation. Being that it's Pau Gasol, obviously his face is insane. THIS IS ONE OF THE KEYS.

But fellow European (not really) Kosta Koufas isn't so great:I guess if you're a Jazz fan, you love this hook shot and think it's better than Chris Paul. But it's wrong in a lot of ways. But it's Kosta Koufos, so it's basically irrelevant. But you should note that if you can't gain separation any other way, a solid kick in the groin is a great way to get your shot off too. Just ask Joel Pryzbilla.

But fear not, fellow humans, even if you go outside right now (don't go outside right now, it's cold) and shoot your first hook shot ever, you'll still be better than Josh McRoberts:

Hey Guys, Bonzi Wells

Late Saturday night, I ended up at a jazz club in Chicago with Kelly Dwyer. I realize this sounds like a thing that I would make up because I make up a lot of things, but I did not make up this thing. As usual, the talk turned to Bonzi Wells. (At least twice, when around Kelly Dwyer, we've spoken at length about Bonzi Wells. There's really no reason for this to happen to anybody, ever.)

I questioned the whereabouts of Bonzi Wells, and his real name. Of course, Kelly Dwyer knew both of these off his head (China, and Gawen DeAngelo Wells). Literally two seconds may have passed before these answers were recited, along with a story of Wells throwing an entire bag of golf clubs in to a pond near the Ball State campus. Naturally, the conversation soon turned to aidsmarathon.com, a website that either teaches you how to run a marathon (it aids you in marathoning) or supports the expansion of AIDS via marathon. This remains unclear.

So today, I visited Yahoo!'s NBA photo page to find something silly to post on, because that's what I do. I carefully examine pictures of grown men in an attempt to mock them because YAY BLOGGING. Anyway, the very first picture was the one you see above. There isn't really much else to say, but as usual, Kelly Dwyer was right: Bonzi Wells was in China. Problem solved.

Also, you can't get AIDS from a marathon so that probably helps to clear that up.