Two Old-Timey Bulls Talk Oil Prospecting

Say, Bradford. Might I interest you in some tips on how one might acquire that oil, son?

Indeed, Josiahkim. That would interest me a great deal, for I often seek to acquire that oil, son.

'Tis a simple process, my dear friend Bradford.

Do tell.

The first step is finding a location that may provide you the opportunity for oil acquistion, son.

Naturally, yes. This, likely, would be my backyard where I often spend time shootin' at some food.

Yes, yes, of course. Once you have found this oil acquisition location, simply throw an ice pick at that oil, son.

An ice pick?

Yes, an ice pick, Bradford.

Interesting, Josiahkim. But where shall I store my oil, son?

Oh, Bradford! Dost ye know nothing about acquiring that oil, son?

I must admit, Josiahkim, I have never acquired that oil, son.

Fair enough. After ice picking said oil, simply collect that oil which is now spurting in to a burlap sack.

A burlap sack?

Yes, Bradford. Your finest burlap sack.

Oh, the choices! My collection is so great. 'Tis that it?

No, sir. After that, Bradford, we dance.



Most amazing tutorial, Josiahkim.

Think nothing of it, my good man! Now go on and acquire that oil, son!

Joakim Noah Serves Turkey

Yeah yeah yeah yeah Joakim got turkey all up in this. We talkin turkey lurkey hidin in the bushes Aerobeds aint got enough cushions. Uh. Bad Boy baby. Who want this turkey?

Yeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh boy. Get that turkey, son. When it come November, turkey be oil be rebounds, son. Get that turkey, son. Gimme some.

Close enough, dog. Next time, pound that. Like, BOOM style. Pound that action. We'll work on it. But now, homie? Let's dance.



TURKEY, SON.

Joakim Noah Teaches Defense and Rebounding

Yo son, you ready to learn some for real defense and rebounding from me, Joa-Noah? That's what I call me, son. For real, son. Word is bond, son.

First thangs first, dog. Yo, establish that position, son. Like get all up in they guts. You need to be sticky like tape.Get all up close on 'em so you can smell they dinner. Mikey Milly had some Cocoa Dinobites at about 11:30 am. Then he washed it down with some OJ. Breakfast for lunch or whateva.

So you get up in they face. Let 'em know you there. Then, dog, when they shoot, you ain't just let him shoot it like it ain't no thang. CHALLENGE that shot, son.

Get yo hand up. Jump at 'em. Just do what you got to do. Challenge it, son. You ain't want Tim Duncan just shootin' them bankshots like he ain't got to worry about you.

But yo, defense ain't end when the shot go up, dog. Get that oil, son. Get that oil.
I was gettin' metaphorical on that one, yo. Like when I say "get that oil," I'm really thinkin' "get that rebound." Like the rebound be the oil in that situation. So you gettin' that rebound.

Once you get that rebound? It's on, dog. Do yo thang. It's yo ball now. Go nuts, son. For real.
And yo, you get enough rebounds. You know what that means, right?

WE DANCIN' SON!

My Newest Product

This is something I've been working on for just about two years, and it's just now time to release it. Remember draft night, 2007? I bet you do for one reason. His name is Joakim Bertram Noah. He looked like this:


But also, he looked like this later on:

Ponytailed.

Obviously, this was a great look, and as it turns out, pretty marketable. We went through A LOT of prototypes before we finally had our finished product, but I'm pretty happy to present the Joakim Noah Hat:

Yes, that is me modelling my product. As you can see, it emulates Joakim Noah's look from his draft night celebration. It also makes sure that you get that real Joakim Noah ponytail action. For reference:


So please, buy your own Joakim Noah Hat today, and get one for your friends too. They'll love it.

The Chicago Bulls Sing "Chop Suey!"

Man, you guys NAILED it.

Oil Prospecting with Joakim Noah

At Joakim Noah's house...

Trez Kerbz: I have boredom, Joakim Noah. There is boredom in me.

Joakim Noah: For real, son. Let's do something then.

Trez Kerbz: Like what?

Joakim Noah: Let's get some oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: a) Why would we get oil? And b) How are we going to get oil?

Joakim Noah: You kidding? Oil is like gold, but, like a liquid.

Trez Kerbz: Liquid gold.

Joakim Noah: Word, son. We need to get that oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: Sure. How?

Joakim Noah: Yo, throw that ice pick in the ground.

Trez Kerbz: Why do you have an ice pick?

Joakim Noah: Why do only certain birds eat certain bird seed? Why did old-time sailors think manatees were mermaids? Why we hangin' out? You ask too many questions, man.

Trez Kerbz: Whatever. So, you think I just throw this ice pick in the ground and we'll get some oil?

Joakim Noah: Word. Get a bag though.

Trez Kerbz: Why?

Joakim Noah: For the oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: Right. (throws ice pick, oil starts spurting)

Joakim Noah: YEAH, SON!

Trez Kerbz: I cannot believe that worked. (copious amounts of oil continue to spurt)

Joakim Noah: GET THAT OIL, SON! GET OIL!

Every Celtics Fan Ever During Joakim Noah's Dunk

(h/t: Jens the Headless Chicken)

Incorrect Running Forms Arranged From Bad to Worst

Joakim Noah Advises Sam, Bill, and Neil

(Sam, Bill, and Neil approach Joakim Noah, who is sitting winsomely on a grassy hill)

Joakim: Gentlemen.

Sam: Hey Joakim.

Bill: Hey.

Neil: Hey.

Joakim: To what do I owe this pleasure?

Sam: Well...

Bill: Ask him.

(Bill nudges Sam.)

Sam: Hey!

Neil: Sam's worried that Cindy won't like the way he kisses.

Sam: NEIL!

Neil: What?! It's true.

(Bill giggles to himself.)

Joakim: Well, as you know, I myself once had the same predicament. 'Twas some time ago, in fact. Actually, it frightens me to this day to think what could have happened.

(Bill giggles to himself.)

Neil: Joakim. We really need your help.

Joakim: Yes, certainly. Anyway. As I was saying, the key to winning a woman's heart is simple. Just be yourself and she will be drawn to you. It's as I always say, set the bait and then wait.

Sam: That's it?

Bill: Yeah, that's it?

Joakim: Indeed.

Neil: Thanks, Joakim.

Bill: Yeah, uh, thanks.

(Bill's jaw hang open.)

Sam: You're the best, Joakim.

Joakim: Gentlemen.

Celebrity Reactions: Joakim Noah

Ah, for real, son? The Celtics won? The Boston Celtics? Ain't they got, like, Scot Pollard or whatever? That dude is HILARIOUS. Always holdin'. That's my boy.



You wanna hit this?

David Thorpe Makes a Salient Point

Senor Paroxysm pointed me (and you, probably) to David Thorpe's article where he says which rookies should study which established NBAsters. It is suggested that Joakim Noah learn from Dirk Nowitzki, and judging by the jump shots that each man employs, I'd say Thorpe is on to something.

A Public Service Announcement to the City of Chicago

Hide your women and children. Your hair clippers should be okay though.

The Ongoing Saga of Joakim Noah and Ben Wallace

Setting: the Chicago Bulls locker room after their most recent loss to the Orlando Magic.

Joakim Noah: Run dat beat, V.

Viktor Kryhapa plays instrumental to “Things Done Changed.”

Uh. Uh. I like this. Jo-No, baby. I’m a murda this man.

Joakim Noah begins rapping

Big Ben Wallace

Pig pen wallets

Dude washed up

Career done, I call it

Ben Wallace: IS THAT THAT RAPPING MUSIC TRASH AGAIN?

JN: continues rapping:

Spit hot fire

Like Omar from the Wire

Ol' Ben Wallace

Got Scott Skiles fired

BW: Dadgummit! I say turn down that noise pollution! Waaaiiiittt….what’d he say?

JN: continues rapping, now in Ben Wallace’s face

Yeah I said it

Had to be said

All up in your dome

Like that band on your head

Tyrus Thomas: OH SNAP!

BW: Youngin’ just plucked the wrong rooster.

JN: Ha ha! It’s ya boy!

BW: shoves Joakim Noah

You better watch your mouth, young man. Have some respect.

Luol Deng: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please. There must be some sort of agreement that we can reach, with regards to the hip-hop and/or rap music.

JN: Your hair is stupid.

BW: Your hair is stupid.

JN: Ain’t what yo momma said LAST NIGHT!

TT: OH SNAP!

Adrian Griffin: …..kids.

Why Joakim Noah Got Suspended

At the Bulls' training facility, Joakim Noah arrives to practice 37 minutes late.

Ron Adams: You're late, Joaquin.

Joakim Noah: Ey yo dunny, it's Joakim. Joe-uh-keem. Don't get it twisted, son,

RA: Ok...well, you're still late. You know the rules, one down and back for every minute.

JN: I ain't even feeling that. I'm here now. Let's ball.

RA: Not until you do your sprints.

JN: You must be outside your mind, joe.

Joakim Noah begins dancing.


RA: Stop dancing.

JN: Aight.

Joakim Noah begins rapping

"N.Y. Do or die. Hell's Kitchen. Know what I'm saying? Twenty blocks away from the Garden. That's how we do you. A lot of people over here pulling for the kid. Know what I'm saying? That's how we do. Hell's Kitchen, 51st Street and 10th Avenue. My block was here tonight. Coach, you don't understand, I have a reputation out here. Put me down, even if it's two minutes. Know what I mean? Just let me shine in the Garden lights."

Ben Wallace: TURN DOWN THAT RAPPING MUSIC!!!

JN: Aight. Bad Boy, baby.

Joakim Noah begins singing.


Adrian Griffin: My lord! That kind of conduct is quite unbecoming of a man of our principle. This youngster must suffer the consequences of his acts!

Jim Boylan: Yes, sir. Right away, sir. Can I suspend him for a game?

BW: One measly game?! Make it two, dagnabbit! That raps music ain't no good. All loud and mumbly.

JB: Sure thing. Please don't kill me.

Joakim Noah MATHEMATICSIZED

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Joakim Noah has bonky hair

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Joakim Noah

Strengths: high energy, good passer, bonky hair, really annoying to play against

Weaknesses: shoots a curveball jumper, bonky hair, REALLY annoying period

NBA comparison (best-case): Dennis Rodman, plus a little offense

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Jerome Williams

NBA Comparison (most likely): Tyson Chandler