Monday, June 14, 2010
Basketball Wallpaper NBA Sports Backgrounds
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Blowtorch's Free Association Every Team Preview

Start 9:00
Really want this team to get punched in the face even though some of their players are chill. The whole is less chill than the sum of the parts.
New Jersey Nets
Chateau Kerby's fourthish favorite team, only because of Brook Lopez and Devin Harris.
New York Knicks
"Whoops." -- Mike D'Antoni
Philadelphia 76ers
Really like the shape of Lou Williams's head, very Seattle era Sam Perkins.
Toronto Raptors
Prepare to be disappointed.
Chicago Bulls
An impending sense of the sadness. Possibly the end of The Blowtorch if/when Brad Miller gets traded.
Cleveland Cavaliers
Insufferable.
Detroit Pistons
More like "Detroit" "Pistons."
Indiana Pacers
History's first uptempo team prominently featuring five white guys. Also, Five Guys burgers are overhyped, but still pretty good. Cajun fries are the real find there. As such, someone on the Pacers will be nicknamed "Cajun Fries".
Milwaukee Bucks
Can't stand ya.
Atlanta Hawks
Will win somewhere between 44 and 46 games forever.
Charlotte Bobcats
Whatever.
Miami Heat
Kind of think Dwade is going to leave because he doesn't like being in the sun because it makes him sweat too much and his skin burns then his wife is all like "I told you to put on sunscreen" then Dwade is like "I forgot and now my lips are chapped." This may be projecting.
Orlando Magic
Actually, surprisingly very excited about the Magics.
Washington Wizards
C'mon Internet. It's the Wizards. Chill out.
Denver Nuggets
By far the most meme-worthy of all NBA teams. Data Traveler 4GB contains SO MANY weird Nuggets pictures from this summer.
Minnesota Timberwolves
Can't decide between Minnesota TimberLOLves or Minnesota TimberWhoops.
Oklahoma City Thunder
Probably Chateau Kerby's third favorite team.
Portland Trail Blazers
Utah Jazz
Kinda feels like the Jazz have neither added nor lost anyone from their team since Raul Lopez flamed out.
Golden State Warriors
Whatever.
Los Angeles Clippers
Hate you for making Bill Simmons look smart.
Los Angeles Lakers
I'm trying to grow my hair out in to some hybrid of Pau Gasol and Rudy Fernandez.
Phoenix Suns
Sacramento Kings
Inexplicably a team that I enjoy watching. Blame it on Ziller.
Dallas Mavericks
How many more teams are there because I'm getting tired of this. Basically the Utah Jazz of Texas.
Houston Rockets
Basically the Houston Rockets of Texas.
Memphis Grizzlies
Dreading the "watching this team is like watching a trainwreck" jokes that are surely being typed right now.
New Orleans Hornets
Sorry, Chris Paul.
San Antonio Spurs
Tell me have you ever, really really loved a woman.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Christmas Suggestions: Charity Events
Pay the Nets to tutor neighborhood children![]()
Pros: kids get adult role models
Cons: one of them is Brook Lopez, which seems counterproductivePros: kids learn health tips
Cons: Shaq is a grown-up fat kid, which seems counterproductiveGet Robin Lopez to teach neighborhood kids basketball
Pros: cheaper than Brook Lopez
Cons: you can't teach height so it's basically pointlessLet an NBA star coddle your baby
Pros: could get Kyle Korver, who babies like
Cons: could get Brad Miller, who babies dislikeHost a comedy night
Pros: players will overlaugh at your jokes to make you seem funny
Cons: will hog the mic
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Joe Smith Template

Thursday, April 9, 2009
If Vin Diesel Was Commissioner of the NBA...
- Each team would have two jerseys: skins and white v-neck.
- Every player, official, and team employee would be allowed to keep their first name, but their last name must be changed to Diesel.
- Shaquille Diesel would have several MVPs.
- Drunk driving would be punishable by banishment from the league. Street racing, however, would become part of All Star Weekend.
- In fact, All Star Weekend would take place on a deserted city block in downtown Los Angeles every year.
- The NBA Finals would no longer have home court advantage, since the championship series would be played in the California desert. It's name would be changed to Basketball Wars, and rather than playing for a championship trophy, the winning team gets the pink slips to the losing team's cars.
- We would call below average players "busters."
- The three-point field goal signal done by referees would be changed from arms raised above head to arms extended to either side of the body, parallel to the floor. Every arm muscle available should be flexed.
- The shot clock would be shortened to 10 seconds.
- All commercials would feature the tagline: "The NBA - live your life a quarter at a time."
- All players would be required to shave their heads.
- There would be A LOT more Asian players.
- The Detroit Pistons would be the center of the basketball universe.
- The NBA would be the most popular sport in America, even though its premise is totally ridiculous and unbelievable.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Former NBA Player Scott Williams Opines On the State of the NBA

Want to know what's wrong with the NBA? I'll tell you right now.
Check my stats. I averaged 7.6 per game in 1994 and then the exact same number, 7.6, in the year 2000. You can bet online that has never been done before.
Remember the time I registered my career high in points AND assists in the same game against my former team? I do. Once again, this is a legendary feat that only adds to the legend of Scott Williams.
Oh, I forgot to mention my three championship rings. How silly of me.
Think of it this way; I've got three titles, the ability to score at least 7.6 points per game, and I'm guaranteed to have a career high in points and assists against any of my former teams. You add that to the fact that I essentially tought LeBron James to play basketball. Why wouldn't that interest the NBA?
I know David Stern is quite concerned with the marketing of the league overseas and other business of that sort, but he seems to be missing the point. The NBA needs more Scott Williams, and I'm just the Scott Williams to give it to them.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
More Proof of the Grand NBA Conspiracy

Monday, October 13, 2008
The NBA Lays Off Employees
The Temp
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The Slob Who Can't Take Care of Himself
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Mr. Bean aka The Foreign Guy No One Likes Working With
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The Guy Who Falls Asleep at Work
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The Kid Who Takes Your Order at Taco Bell
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The Guy Who Shows Up Drunk to Work
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The Other Guy Who Shows Up Drunk to Work
Monday, December 3, 2007
All We Want for Christmas
Atlanta Hawks - realized potential. Also, a new GM.
Boston Celtics - a championship.
Charlotte Bobcats - for all of their players to be as good as they were in college.
Chicago Bulls - the head of Scott Skiles, Tyrus Thomas in the starting line-up, and Joakim Noah on the floor.
Cleveland Cavaliers - that signing Varejao is incentive enough for LeBron to stick around. Oh, and to sign Varejao.
Dallas Mavericks - anything but the Warriors.
Denver Nuggets - more guys with cornrows, headbands, and armsleeves.
Detroit Pistons - a championship.
Golden State Warriors - the Mavericks in every playoff series.
Houston Rockets - they'll tell you a championship, but getting out of the first round would make them happy.
Indiana Pacers - the opportunity to draft Kevin Love.
Los Angeles Clippers - stronger leg ligaments.
Los Angeles Lakers - help for Kobe, so he'll stick around and continue to look good while not winning championships.
Memphis Grizzlies - that this year is Darko's breakout year. Also, more Spaniards.
Miami Heat - 2006.
Milwaukee Bucks - having averted an international disaster, Bucks fans are pretty happy right now. Some bratwurst would be nice though.
Minnesota Timberwolves - to wake up Christmas morning and find out that the Garnett trade was a dream.
New Jersey Nets - that some sucker team decides they want Vince Carter. Or that Vince Carter gets a set of balls for Christmas.
New Orleans Hornets - Chris Paul to stay healthy.
New York Knicks - a new coach, a new GM, a new roster, a championship, and more intern sex. New York fans are greedy.
Orlando Magic - that the team can keep this going.
Philadelphia 76ers - that Iverson dude.
Phoenix Suns - a championship.
Portland Trailblazers - that micro-fracture surgery really isn't anything to worry about.
Sacramento Kings - less ugly players.
San Antonio Spurs - a championship.
Seattle SuperSonics - that this time next year they're still the SEATTLE SuperSonics.
Toronto Raptors - a stronger exchange rate for the US dollar. Also, that Chris Bosh shows some kind of improvement.
Utah Jazz - chest hair trimmer for Carlos Boozer.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
A Walk Through the Annals of NBA History
Hypothesis 1: the 5 most historically successful teams in NBA history are the Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, New York Knicks, Chicago Bulls and Philadelphia 76ers.
Hypothesis 2: the next tier of historically successful teams is some mix of the Houston Rockets, Phoenix Suns, Seattle Supersonics, Detroit Pistons, and Portland Trailblazers.
With these as my baseline assumptions, I set about devising what I felt would be the best way to define historical greatness.
Study Design
The blue portion of that delicious pie represents how many NBA championships a team has won in its history. Since this is the ultimate goal of every franchise, it was given significant weight (50%) in calculating the total score of a team’s score.
The red portion of the chart shows the percentage (37.5) given to a team’s winning percentage throughout their history. In order for a team to be considered consistently great, they must be a consistently winning team and over time their winning percentage will show that.
Last is the orange slice, which depicts how many Hall of Famers have played for a franchise. This can be a little misleading, however. For instance, Dominique Wilkins is a HOFer based on his Atlanta Hawks exploits, but he did play that one season for the Spurs so he counts for them as well. Because of the nature of this variable, HOFers is only given 12.5% of a team’s total score. In the end it all evens out because Robert Parrish played on pretty much every team since the beginning of basketball.
After adding these different variables together, the team’s total score was multiplied by the percentage of league history that that team has been a part of. Two examples: the Sacramento Kings have played in every NBA season (this will be number 58) and therefore have their total score multiplied by 1, whereas the Minnesota Timberwolves have only played 18 seasons (31% of all seasons) and have their total score multiplied by .31 to determine their cumulative score.
Data
NBA historical data (contains years in NBA, titles, winning percentage, and HOFers)
Historical Greatness of NBA Teams (final data after relative score multiplier)
All data can be found on these two Google spreadsheets.
Results
Obviously, the Celtics and Lakers easily topped the list of most NBA championships. Here’s the top 10 accompanied by the number of titles the franchise has won:
1. Boston Celtics (16)
2. Los Angeles Lakers (13)
3. Chicago Bulls (6)
4. San Antonio Spurs (4)
5. Detroit Pistons (3)
6. Golden State Warriors (2)
7. Philadelphia 76ers (2)
8. New York Knicks (2)
9. Houston Rockets (2)
seven teams tied with 1 championship
Due to this huge advantage in titles won, Boston and the Lakers will have solidified the top 2 spots in our historical rankings. However, there were still some interesting findings. I was surprised to discover that Golden State had as many championships as the Knicks. And once again, my eyes were opened to the true greatness of Tim Duncan.
The next variable I looked at, all-time winning percentage, bore testament once again to the two premier franchises in the NBA. Here are the top 10 historical winning percentages:
1. Los Angeles Lakers (.618)
2. San Antonio Spurs (.595)
3. Boston Celtics (.587)
4. Phoenix Suns (.556)
5. Utah Jazz (.538)
6. Milwaukee Bucks (.532)
7. Seattle Supersonics (.531)
8. Philadelphia 76ers (.528)
9. Portland Trailblazers (.528)
10. Chicago Bulls (.512)
Here is where I felt a little bit educated, as I “picked” 8 out of the 10 most winning franchises in the league’s history. However, I was definitely taken aback by how consistently good the Suns have been, while never getting over the hump. And it was also a tad surprising that the Bucks and Jazz have been so good for so long.
The amount of HOFers to have played for a franchise was easily the most surprising discovery. Well, except the top 2 of course:
1. Boston Celtics (25)
2. Los Angeles Lakers (17)
3. Detroit Pistons (14)
4. Golden State Warriors (11)
5. Philadelphia 76ers (10)
6. New York Knicks (10)
7. Atlanta Hawks (10)
8. Sacramento Kings (9)
9. Milwaukee Bucks (8)
10. Houston Rockets (7)
Once again the Celtics and Lakers are tops, but as we move down the list there are some eye-openers. I would have never guessed the Hawks to have fielded so many Hall of Fame caliber players or for the Kings to have so many either. But as stated before, a guy only had to play one game to get counted as a HOFer for a franchise; ergo, the low weight of this variable.
These scores were added up, giving us a top 10 that looked like this:
1.Boston Celtics
2. Los Angeles Lakers
3. Chicago Bulls
4. Detroit Pistons
5. San Antonio Spurs
6. Golden State Warriors
7. Philadelphia 76ers
8. New York Knicks
9. Houston Rockets
10. Atlanta Hawks
Clearly I underestimated the historical relevance of both the Warriors and Hawks while slightly overstating the importance of the Knicks and 76ers. But when we add in the rating based on percentage of league history that a team has been a part of, the list looks like this:
1. Boston Celtics
2. Los Angeles Lakers
3. Detroit Pistons
4. Chicago Bulls
5. Golden State Warriors
6. Philadelphia 76ers
7. New York Knicks
8. Atlanta Hawks
9. Sacramento Kings
10. Houston Rockets
Being a relatively new franchise hurt the Spurs, as they dropped out of the top 10 when compared over the span of the league. And helped along by their inclusion as an original NBA team, the Kings make a surprising re-entry in to the realm of historical importance.
Conclusion
When people talk about the Celtics and Lakers being the cornerstone franchises of the NBA they are totally correct. In basically every statistical measure they rank at the top and they have been a part of the league since its inception. However, I (and I would assume many others my age) was unaware of how truly great the Warriors and Hawks are. Since I’ve followed the NBA, both of these teams have been mostly irrelevant, but the data shows that they are among the most important teams over the course of time. Unfortunately, this only exacerbates the frustration that fans must feel while watching their team be run in to the ground. Nonetheless, it never hurts to understand just where a team has been. In some ways, it can be the best way of knowing what the future holds.
Friday, August 31, 2007
The Grizzlies Could Be Decent This Year

C: Darko
PF: Gasol
SF: Gay
SG: Miller
PG: Conley
Bench: Warrick, Lowry, Navarro, Swift, Cardinal
Note: I’m assuming that Stoudemire will be gone eventually
Doesn’t that seem like a competitive team? At the very least, with Iavaroni at the helm, this team can score some serious points. I’m not totally sold on Conley as a sure thing PG, but in an up-tempo system he could be destructive. And when Gasol inevitably gets hurt, inserting Warrick as a starter makes this team even faster and better defensively.
Aside from the fact that these guys are a mosaic (4-year college guys, foreigners, 1-and-dones) where the Bobcats are carefully assembled; aren’t they pretty much Charlotte West? And aren’t we all pretty excited to see what happens with the Bobcats this year? Gasol is a go-to scorer and a solid rebounder, Darko protects the glass, Miller shoots the lights out, and everybody else sprints. It’s a model that can work for sure; a hybrid of the Suns and the Warriors.
Of course Conley and Navarro are rookies, Gay only sometimes cares about playing basketball, Mike Miller looks like a girl, Gasol is always hurt or unhappy, Warrick is basically Stro Swift with 9 extra brain cells, Cardinal is a thief, Darko is Darko, Lowry is coming back from an injury, and their coach has never been a head guy before. Plus there are about 18 more reasons this team could be horribly brutal, but can’t I dream that a team that looks like something that I’d put together on Playstation could actually be somewhat competitive? Is it such a stretch that these guys could be seeded anywhere from 6-8 in the West, and win a series if they get the right match up?
Either way, they’re going to be hilarious to watch on League Pass late at night.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Petteri Koponen is a Playboy. Literally.
Petteri Koponen

Weaknesses: youngski, turnover prone, won't play in the US for like 2 years
NBA Comparison (best-case): Drazen Petrovic
Monday, August 20, 2007
Alando Tucker is a Phoenix Sun(s?)

Thursday, August 16, 2007
(tee-A-go SPLIT-er)
Weaknesses: doesn't score a ton, not a wonderful defender, probably injury prone
NBA Comparison (best-case): Brad Miller
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Jeff Foster
NBA Comparison (most likely): P.J. Brown
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Arron Afflalo's mom must have been terrible at spelling
Arron Afflalo

Strengths: good midrange game, able to contribute right away, strong defender
Weaknesses: not very athletic, won't be a big scorer, name is spelled way crazy
NBA Comparison (best-case): Shane Battier
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Keith Bogans
NBA Comparison (most likely): Raja Bell
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
For real, Aaron Brooks was a first round pick

Friday, August 10, 2007
Morris Almond aka Mo-Nuts

Weaknesses: weak handles, below average defensively, occasionally turnover prone
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Adam Morrison
NBA Comparison (most likely): Michael Redd
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Rudy Hernandez, stealer of hearts

Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Ms. Wilson Chanandaler Bong
Wilson Chandler

Pros: kids learn health tips






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