Television Producers Pitch - My Crew

Okay, so here's the story. The show is called My Crew. We've got four guys from different walks of life, but they're all in the NBA. We'll use Erik Spoelstra, the Miami Heat coach. Brian Scalabrine, from the Celtics. Yao Ming from the Rockets, and Yi Jianlian from the Nets. It's set in the offseason and these guys are all like best friends and it's all about them making their way in the NBA. It'll be like Friends plus Entourage, so like the best show ever.

Here's the best part. We already cast the show. BJ Novak is in to play Spoelstra. The guy from LOST, he's going to be Yao. And we got Lloyd from Entourage to be Yi. That's great right? He'll definitely help us capture the right vibe for the show. But get this — Scalabrine is going to play himself!

Just let me know how many episodes you want.

The Dangers of International Competition

Right now, there is a large international basketball competition taking place in locales around the world. It's called the Large International Basketball Competition and it features players from all around the globe, even some from the NBA. However, many owners don't like their players playing in the competition that they are playing in as players. Their fears are justified.

Not only could one of their investments be injured, they could also be hurt. Furthermore, they could also unwittingly unveil some new moves, thereby rendering them obsolete. Or they could be abducted, tied up in ropes, and placed on train tracks by robber barons. Also, they could be hurt.

But these are just minor dangers. The three situations that follow are all too common in international basketball. As such, they cause night sweats, buggymares, and general queasiness amongst NBA executives.

Physical Assault

Yes, an injury is distressing enough, but in international basketball, players are often punched while driving to the basket. Due to some European bylaws, this tactic has been permitted since the conception of FIBA (it is called the "Russian Handcheck" for obvious reasons). As of late, most European countries have abandoned this technique, but their Asian counterparts have mastered it. The coupling of basketball and martial arts has proven deadly for nearly 600 players since 1985.

Cloning

A players contract is predicated on the assumption that their skills are irreplaceable. But cloning laws abroad are lax, and the process has not yet been perfected. Not only does this make a player less valuable, it also downgrades the talent in the NBA. It is a closely guarded secret that the Allen Iverson who returned after the Athens Olympics was not the actual Iverson, but rather a laboratory creation dubbed Alan Iverson.

Poor Nutrition

Due to the economic crisis, players are often forced to eat their winnings to stay alive.

Cannabalism

Because not every team wins medals, and even those aren't terribly filling, overseas competition is overrun with players eating other players. As seen in the picture above, the Grizzlies' Hamed Haddadi is desperately eyeing the Nets' Yi Jianlian for a post-game meal. Unfortunately for Nets fans, FIBA officials were able to save Yi from his certain death.

Yi Jianlian hates Milwaukee

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Yi Jianlian

Strengths: ball-handling (alleged), shooting (alleged), dribbling around chairs (confirmed)
Weaknesses: hates bratwursts, cheese, and Wisconsin, may be 100 years old

NBA comparison (best-case): Pau Gasol
NBA comparison (worst-case): Austin Croshere
NBA comparison (most likely): Troy Murphy