Zach Randolph's Classic Basketball Pranks

It's widely known that professional athletes love to play pranks on each other. In baseball, one of your teammates will set your foot on fire and call it a "hot foot." In football, rookies are often duct taped to goalposts then left to starve in the hot sun. In hockey, it's a rite of passage to have your jugular slashed by a rusty skate in a little joke called "icing." It's all in the game, and it's super fun because most of the time, no one dies.

Basketball is a little different. Since there isn't a ton of extra equipment, pranks generally involve making rookies carry bags or wear pink. But one man has changed all that. One man has the know-how, and the elbow grease, to invent classic pranks. That man is Zach Randolph.

seems like a chill bro

Here are a few of the now legendary pranks that Zach Randolph has pulled in his NBA career:

The Post Up

During his second season with the Blazers convinced his teammate, Chris Dudley, that he needed a defender to work against in the post. Randolph then posted up Dudley, spun and threw in a left-handed hook shot. The next time, rather than spinning and shooting, he slapped Dudley in the face as hard as he could. Hilarious!

The Ball Handling Drill

After being traded to the New York Knicks, Randolph arrived early to practice and found David Lee working on his jump shot. Randolph offered to show Lee some perimeter moves, which Lee gladly accepted. Randolph dribbled between his legs twice, stood up, slapped Lee in the face, kicked him in the genitals, then threw the ball off his back, collected it and laid it in while yelling "AND 1!!" Gotcha!

The Slap

This is one of Randolph's favorite pranks, and he has used it throughout his career. Basically, he just slaps whoever is closest to him in the face, without warning. Pretty effective!

The Upper Decker

Many thought that Randolph's pranking days had passed following his trade to the Clippers. DeAndre Jordan found out that wasn't so. His first day reporting to the Clippers, Randolph brought a duffel bag full of semi-poisonous snakes, which he used to fill the top shelf of Jordan's locker. When Jordan opened the locker and the snakes started hissing, he ran frightened. When he asked who put the snakes there, Randolph slapped him in the face and said, "Nice snakes." Burned!

The Grizzlie

Upon arriving to Grizzlies training camp this summer, Randolph brought with him a heavily sedated brown bear. As coach Lionel Hollins gave his opening remarks, Randolph stabbed the bear, skinned it, and slapped it in the face for good measure. Symbolic!

Hasheem Thabeet Throws a Barbeque

Hey, guys! It's almost time to tha-eat.

Thameet is just about ready to tha-eat, so come up here and get what you want. Then take a tha-seat on the concrete.

We've got hamburgers and hot dogs and a bunch of bun choices . We have white bread and thawheat, so take your choice. Thawheat is a little healthier, but it also gets soggy faster.

Hey, Marc! It's good to see you. I like your khakis, especially thapleats. Oh, and thanks for bringing thabeets. I'm usually not a big fan, but they're alright in salads, though I prefer those to be thasweet, rather than savory. Anyways, I better go thagreet some more people.

Oh, everyone. I want to remind you to be careful around the flowers. They thasecrete some kind of scent that attracts a lot of bees. It's nice out, and they love thaheat, so just be wary.

I'll be bringing out thasweets later, but I'll be bringing them out thadiscretely, so as not to cause a massive feeding rush. I made a whole thasheet of brownies. They're delicious.

And no, OJ, you won't need your thacleats. We play wiffleball in thastreet.

A Michael Jackson Tribute Post

EEEE-HEEE

I'm in Alabama

I am driving a Chevrolet Aveo.
I am staying in a Holiday Inn.
I am eating at a Waffle House.
I am getting sunburned.
I am wearing boat shoes.

Ergo, content will be meager until Thursday.

But first, a two man play I call "We Move as One."

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We Move as One

Fin.
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Movie Knowledge

I know at least 3 people who live in Los Angeles (used to be four, before the Mihm trade). They're pretty big time. Anyways, through them, I've recently learned that there will be an Ocean's 14. The basic plot of this installment is the stealing of not just money, but the entirety of the Memphis Grizzlies franchise. And since I'm lucky, I got this screen shot of Carl Reiner's Saul Bloom getting in deep with the Grizzlies.

Look at how he's nailed Henry Bibby's mannerisms. The transformation is shocking.

The Blowtorch Presents ... Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Wherein:

• A new co-host is introduced.
• Brian Eno produces various Joe Satriani riffs and licks.
• Trades are discussed.
• Eric Snow is addressed.
• Music from Jay-Z and Santogold
  

Also, subscribe to The Blowtorch Presents in iTunes and leave some reviews.

The Potential Grizzlies/Wizards Trade Explained

Supposedly, the Grizzlies are considering trading Javaris Crittenton to the Wizards for a conditional draft pick that they used to have which was traded for Juan Carlos Navarro who is no longer in the NBA. If that sentence seems confusing, it's because it is. The trade and the sentence.

Luckily for the world, I've created this high quality, extremely detailed diorama of the paths that these players and draft pick has travelled since 2007.

THE GREAT WIZZLIE* SWAP

*Grizzard was considered, but rejected due to the additional confusion that may be caused by former Wizards swingman Rod Grizzard

User Generated Content

Remember the Erik Spoelstra Green Screen Challenge? HUGE SUCCESS. Well, a couple of jacks sent in some Spoelstra goodness. And they're actually very nice.

"Spoelstrito"

"Erikong"

Since it was only these two, I'm keeping my fine linens.

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I hope you haven't forgotten about that legendary day when Antoine Walker participated in a defensive drill in practice. A refresher:

ANYHOW, the following exchange occurred in the comments. Friend of The Blowtorch, Devine, tells it like it is.

Apparently, my blog is "trash." And since I don't know what posting comments "as people" means, I'll just say, "Hi hater."

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I'm doing things with Matt for his previews, so check over there.

Your Company's Two Newest Hires

Zhang is our newest systems administrator. He comes to Initech from China where he had extensive experience in Oracle Clinical databases, C++ programming, Microsoft Office suite, and many other systems. His expertise, however, is in server malfunctions. He has served as an associate systems administrator for a Fortune 500 company before moving to the States this year. He also plays center for the Sacramento Kings.

Hamed joins our organization with years of experience in the statistics field. He has a wealth of knowledge, including work in numerous databases, such as Oracle, Hyperion, and Infor systems. He also has designed standalone interfaces for these databases. Hamed is Iranian and he is a member of the Memphis Grizzlies.

A Moment In History Starring Antoine Walker

We'll always remember the day Antoine Walker crouched his thousand year-old body in to a defensive stance.

Sure, it was just practice, but still.

The NBA Is Back, Y'all

BASKETBALL IS HAPPENING AGAIN! Rejoice! And with that comes loves and hates. On one hand, I hate everything about this picture:

I despise Damien Wilkins. He's the worst. Literally. He's BY FAR my least favorite player in the league, moreso than even Larry Hughes. Desmond Mason's no great shakes either. Plus the team is terrible. Despite how much I like Durant, Green, and Westbrook, the franchise is worst. The uniforms, the colors, the name, every single thing about them is wrong. Plus they employ Damien Wilkins.

HOWEVER, this picture is all that is right in my world:

As much as Pau Gasol is The Blowtorch's mascot, Marc might even be funnier. Sure Pau has arms that go everywhere, but Marc exists solely to ram in to people. He's like a fat version of Bulls-era Tyson Chandler. With a beard and gregarious smile, of course. I'm so glad he's here. Oh, and he's playing against an Iranian. Way to be, Grizzlies.

Zach Randolph Calls Darrell Arthur

phone rings

Darrell Arthur: solemnly Hello.

Zach Randolph: Yo, this Darrell Arthur?

DA: Yes.

ZR: The Darrell Arthur from Kansas?

DA: Yes.

ZR: The Darrell Arthur who now plays for the Memphis Grizzlies?

DA: Yes.

ZR: In Memphis?

DA: Yes.

ZR: For the Grizzlies?

DA: Yes.

ZR: The Darrell Arthur who got busted with the Terrific Twosome at the Rookie thing?

DA: What's the terrific twosome?

ZR: Weed and women, ya big dummy. Oh, and it's capitalized.

DA: Okay.

ZR: So are is it true?

DA: Unfortunately, yes.

ZR: Perfect. I'm coming to Memphis.

Stax Records' Newest Artist

Straight out of Soulsville, USA, the Memphis Grizzlies present The New Mad Lads. Only on Stax Records.

Hakim - the thoughtful one. Check him out way dooowwwwnnn looooooooooowww. He's sensitive, but he's strong. Raised in the church, Hakim made his stage debut at the tender age of 3.

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Darko - the heart-throb. Sure he's the cute one, but he'll tear your heart out. Literally. But don't worry ladies, he's got a soft side he can't help displaying.

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Marc -- the funny one. He's all smiles, just having a great time. Of course he'll let you stroke his beard! You might remember him as the keyboardist for his brother's band Pau and the Gas Men.

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Hamed -- the eccentric one. While not as beloved by the group's fans, Hamed is the creative force behind the group. That's right girls and gals, he's responsible for hits such as "Giggin' with the Grizzlies," "Beale Street Stomp," and the newest smash single "I Wanna Play in the USA."

OJ Mayo

OJ Mayo shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.

Oh, and if you couldn't tell. We're going in draft order. Every first round pick will get their own shirt, plus one at the end with all of them together. Email me for special requests.

Mike Miller for MVP

The definition of MVP is most valuable player. In my eyes, this means the player that means the most to his team. It's easy to let highlight reel plays and marketing campaigns cloud your judgment, but a quick look at the Grizzlies before and after Mike Miller's injury easily proves just how valuable he is.

With Miller
Record: 14-38 (.269)
Points per game: 100.5

Without Miller
Record: 0-8 (.000)
Points per game: 92.8

These are irrefutable facts that show that Mike Miller is far and away this year's MVP. Not only has his team's winning percentage fell a jaw-dropping 27%, they have also scored 8% less without the feminine swingman. If a 27% decline in winning percentage isn't evidence of value, then I don't know what is.

Grizzlies Plan First “Busts and Boobies” Lineup

Memphis, TN – After Friday’s blockbuster trade, Memphis Grizzlies coach Mark Iavaroni has been tinkering with the idea of playing his three young point guards with his two colossal failures.

Said Iavaroni, “I really think that if we can get Kwame (Brown) and Darko (Milicic) on the floor together, it will help people understand that these young guys we have now are pretty good by comparison.”

Acquired from the Los Angeles Lakers, Brown is widely considered to be the worst number one draft pick in NBA history. Originally drafted by the Washington Wizards, Brown was an immediate disappointment and was quickly shipped to the Lakers in exchange for Caron Butler and others. Nonetheless, Brown parlayed his athleticism and size in to a sizeable contract – one that Grizzlies will be all to happy to rid themselves of this off-season.

Iavaroni said, “Kwame’s been quite the disappointment around the league. We don’t expect that to change, but we’ve had Darko half the season, so we think we’re prepared.”

Milicic, a forward from Serbia, was drafted by the Pistons ahead of Carmelo Anthony, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh. After sitting on the bench for a little more than 2 years, Darko was traded to the Magic where he failed to live up to expectations. This summer, Milicic was signed by the Grizzlies as a complement to the recently departed Pau Gasol.

Also acquired in the Gasol trade was rookie point guard Javaris Crittenton. A rookie from Georgia Tech University, Crittenton joins Kyle Lowry and Mike Conley, Jr. as the third point guard on the roster with less than a full year of NBA experience.

Though unorthodox to play three point guards and two centers, Iavaroni feels that the contrast in talent between the guards and centers will showcase just how good the youngsters can be.

“The way I figure,” said Iavaroni, “we’ve got nothing to lose. We’re barely better than the Knicks. Why not lose a few more games and draft Michael Beasley?”

The Grizzlies Could Be Decent This Year

For rillz, look at their roster (and ignore the fact that they have 17 guys on it) and think about the lineup they could theoretically field:

C: Darko
PF: Gasol
SF: Gay
SG: Miller
PG: Conley
Bench: Warrick, Lowry, Navarro, Swift, Cardinal

Note: I’m assuming that Stoudemire will be gone eventually

Doesn’t that seem like a competitive team? At the very least, with Iavaroni at the helm, this team can score some serious points. I’m not totally sold on Conley as a sure thing PG, but in an up-tempo system he could be destructive. And when Gasol inevitably gets hurt, inserting Warrick as a starter makes this team even faster and better defensively.

Aside from the fact that these guys are a mosaic (4-year college guys, foreigners, 1-and-dones) where the Bobcats are carefully assembled; aren’t they pretty much Charlotte West? And aren’t we all pretty excited to see what happens with the Bobcats this year? Gasol is a go-to scorer and a solid rebounder, Darko protects the glass, Miller shoots the lights out, and everybody else sprints. It’s a model that can work for sure; a hybrid of the Suns and the Warriors.

Of course Conley and Navarro are rookies, Gay only sometimes cares about playing basketball, Mike Miller looks like a girl, Gasol is always hurt or unhappy, Warrick is basically Stro Swift with 9 extra brain cells, Cardinal is a thief, Darko is Darko, Lowry is coming back from an injury, and their coach has never been a head guy before. Plus there are about 18 more reasons this team could be horribly brutal, but can’t I dream that a team that looks like something that I’d put together on Playstation could actually be somewhat competitive? Is it such a stretch that these guys could be seeded anywhere from 6-8 in the West, and win a series if they get the right match up?

Either way, they’re going to be hilarious to watch on League Pass late at night.

Mike Conley, Jr. enjoys smiling

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie reviews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Mike Conley, Jr.

Height: 6'1"
Weight: "180"

Strengths: running fast, jumping high, smiling like a crazy man, getting in to the lane
Weaknesses: shooting a basketball, frowning

NBA comparison (best-case): Tony Parker
NBA comparison (worst-case): Speedy Claxton
NBA comparison (most likely): T.J. Ford