My 13th Birthday

And now a guest post from my grandma Trudy.

The year was 1997 and Trey was going to be turning 13. He's always been a big basketball fan and in the past few years I'd gotten him different basketball-themed gifts that he seemed to really like. The previous year, I bought him a Chicago Bulls beret (they're his favorite team) that he wore all winter. A few years before that, I got him a complete set of Skybox cards. He told me recently that he still has them in his mother's basement. For his first birthday as a teenager I wanted to get him something really special.

During the previous summer, Trey had been really interested in a team called the Seattle Supersonics, who had played the Chicago Bulls in the championship round of the playoffs. Trey was particularly taken with a player named Shawn Kemp. I was reminded of this by my husband Harold one day when we were shopping for Trey's present. I even remember Trey getting his hair cut just like Shawn Kemp's. There was just a little square of hair on the front of his head. It looked odd to me, but he said all the kids in his subdivision had their hair cut like that. He's always been a bit of an eccentric anyways.

With this in mind, I decided to look for something to give him in DC Collectibles, a store that has a plethora of different sports memoribilia. Since we were in the midwest, it was a challenge finding any sort of Seattle Supersonics products. I considered getting Trey a Michael Jordan autographed jersey that he had worn during the playoffs, but decided that he would rather have something that wasn't Chicago Bulls. Then I saw it: a signed Shawn Kemp poster. I knew it was the perfect present.

You should have seen Trey's face when I gave it to him! He was so excited and thankful. I told him about the Michael Jordan jersey, and he assured me that he'd rather have the Shawn Kemp poster that I had purchased. I was so happy to make him so happy! Just this past year, when I visited Trey at his house I was shocked to see that he still has that Shawn Kemp poster hanging on his wall. He must really love it!

Thanks, Grandma!

Oklahoma City's Mascot

You might have thought that the Oklahoma City Thunder's logo was weak (and it is -- it looks like a create-a-team logo from NBA Live 2000), but their mascot is just plain creepy.

The Sonics Are Dead, Long Live the Sonics

SAVE THE SONICS

Seriously, without the Sonics, where will Seattle get their warm, fleece blankets???

I don't know why, but I can't stop looking for terrible videos. It's an addiction.

Watch the SuperSonics

I don't know when or how it happened, but the SuperSonics are BY FAR the most interesting team in the NBA. Aside from the Education of Kevin Durant (nickname pending - GO VOTE on the right), there are numerous outstanding storylines going around this team.

First and foremost, of course, is the pending move to Oklahoma City. Many vowels and consonants have been spilled analyzing the validity of this move and the implications that it will have, but I don't have the energy or the desire to tackle the various facets necessary to be intelligent about it. I hope the SuperSonics don't move, but they probably will. I imagine Adam Sandler is probably upset that he'll have to change the Hannukah Song.

Second most intriguing is Kevin Durant's rookie season. Once again, this is a story that has been (and will continue to be) covered ad nauseum. He's playing exactly how you'd expect a top-flight rookie to play. At times he's the best player on the court, and at times he looks terrible. He can totally disappear and he can dominate for short stretches. He'll end a 25% shooting night with a 25-foot triple to win the game. Nonetheless, it's impossible to take your eyes off him when he's on the court. I root for him to touch the ball every time down the court, which is the basis for my anger with Damien Wilkins. The way Durant moves around the court is mesmerizing. He doesn't look like he's moving fast at all but he rarely fails to get separation from his defender.

Along these same lines is the viability of Jeff Green. Easily overshadowed by Durant, Green has shown that he too will be a cornerstone of this franchise. Paired together, Durant and Green are fascinating. They're both way too big to handle the ball and create the way they do, but both could serve as the primary playmaker for the team in the future.

Another important development in the the SuperSonic stratosphere is the emergence of Damien Wilkens as an NBA player. Clearly, I'm against this in all shapes and forms. The better that Wilkins gets, the more shots he's going to take, which means Durant and Jeff Green aren't getting touches. Damien Wilkins can be a great defender and I won't dislike him; but if he has the nerve to put up 40 again, I'll have a problem with that. Furthermore, Chris Wilcox confounds me. Was he not supposed to be Amare Stoudemire before Amare Stoudemire? While he's always been great in video games, his flashes of dominance are infuriating. I keep thinking he's going to be a solid contributer but then he ends up getting pulled for Nick Collison. Whatever, Chris Wilcox.

Seattle's point guard situation is kind of awesome too. Delonte "Alien Corpse" West has played far better than Earl Watson, but for some reason, Watson continues to start and get more minutes. He does average a couple of more assists, but he turns the ball over more and is a far worse shooter. Who knows, it's an interesting situation.

Last is the Sonics bench, which is a treasure trove of hilarity. Surely you are familiar with Robert Swift who used to look like this:

and now looks like this:

But were you also aware that the Sonics bench has two Frenchmen (one of whom could legitimately be nicknamed "Jelly Balls") and a Senegalese fellow? All in all, a pretty ragtag bunch of clowns.

Before the season started, I was on the Grizzlies bandwagon but I am now firmly in the SuperSonics camp. And it feels fantastic.

Seattle Point Guards Crack Me Up

The point guard position for the Seattle SuperSonics is kind of hilarious. Every guy that gets burn looks like the kind of guy that plays in every open gym across America. And the things that's even funnier is that they play like the guy they look like! Here are their PGs:

Earl Watson
First things first, dude looks like every ethnicity rolled in to one. He's got a Cholo mustache. He is vaguely Asian. And I'm pretty sure he's actually Black. It's intriguing. Second things second, you've played with Earl Watson. He's that guard that handles the ball really well but never really goes anywhere with it. He'll throw some pretty passes, but ultimately, he's just a place holder. He can't finish around the cup and he's not an impact defender. And of course his name is Earl Watson, but he doesn't live in early 1900s Great Britain, EXPLAIN THAT.

Delonte West
There was this guy I used to play with that me and my buddy Bonesaw called Socks. He always wore his socks jacked up to his knees (CLEVER, RIGHT?), he only used one of his hands, and he shot every time he touched the ball. For the most part, he went to the rack but he wasn't against shooting some ill-advised threes. Essentially, he's Delonte West. Except Socks didn't look like a tattooed alien corpse with an STD from some nasty girl.


Luke Ridnour
Guaranteed Lukey R. can tell you all about the new MF Doom or Talib joint. Don't tell me he wouldn't join a "Legalize It!" Facebook group and listen to underground hip-hop.

I Don't Like Damien Wilkins

This would be way better

I'm not generally what some would call a "hater." It really doesn't take much for me to find the good in a situation, but for some reason last night, I decided to actively dislike Damien Wilkins.

Here's my well researched and very in-depth case against Damien Wilkins:

• I watched the SuperSonics game last night, and for a good stretch of the 2nd and 3rd quarter, every one of his passes was tipped or stolen.
• Name should be spelled DamiAn and not DamiEn.
• Didn't pass the ball to Durant or Green every chance he got. He's stunting their development!
• He's not even the good Wilkins' (Dominique) son. Furthermore, he does not have a hightop fade; blasphemy in the Wilkins family.
• Has a mustache that isn't very cool.
• Played for NC State and University of Georgia. Pick a red and white team and stick with it.

I hereby declare Damien Wilkins is my least favorite NBA player.

I.

DECLARE.

DAMIEN WILKINS IS MY LEAST FAVORITE NBA PLAYER!

Consider it declared.

Jeff Green; also a fan of smiling

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Jeff Green

Strengths: passing basketballs, making big plays, not getting called for travelling
Weaknesses: boring name, shoddy jumper

NBA comparison (best-case): Scottie Pippen
NBA comparison (worst-case): Jamal Mashburn
NBA comparison (most likely): Lamar Odom

Rashard Lewis' Agent Sucks

Aw, man. What was I supposed to do today? Something important…hmmm…I’ma think of it.

OH, SNAP! I gotta find the title for the Escalade. Nah, shorty found it next to the heater in the glovebox. That ain’t it. Gotta be something else. Oh well, I’m going to be the hottest free agent on the market. I’M RICH! Somebody’ll take care of it.

Seriously though, dawg. I know there is something I had to do today. Think Rashard, think.

Try on hats from every NBA team. Check.

Order custom Rashard Lewis jersey of every team from NBA.com. Check.

Reserve gold toilet seat to celebrate max contract. Check.

Get fitted for pants made from the hair of ancient Buddhist monks. Check

MONEY AIN’T A THANG, SON. THIS SUMMER’S TOP FREE AGENT, YA HEARD?!

For rillz, Paul Wall’s already hooking my teeth up with a sick grill. Ain’t much else I’m forgetting. Ah, whatevs. I’ll just throw some cash at whatever I’m forgetting. I’ma holla at my agent.

Ay-o Dutt. You took care a errrything?

Tony Dutt: Absolutely. Mr. Lewis. I told the Sonics you were filing for free agency sometime around Memorial Day.

That’s my dawg. You got my back homie. For rill. You get me outta here, I’ma hook you up. You know I’m for real.

Tony Dutt: Oh yes, Rashard. I know that you are most definitely for real. I still remember that time you took me by Swishahouse headquarters. Whoa boy, what a culture shock!

HAHAHAHAHA. YOU WAS TRIPPIN, B. LIKE YOU AIN’T NEVAH SEEN THAT MUCH ENDO. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Tony Dutt: Well, Mr. Lewis….you’re right. I guess I was a little surprised by the amount of illicit substances that those nice fellows were using.

YOU WAS A GHOST, B. HAHAHA

Tony Dutt: ….yep.

It’s all good, Dutt. You take care a my contract. I’ma take care a you. You take care a my contract. I’ma take care a you. Believe that.

Tony Dutt: Sure thing, Mr. Lewis.

MAKE IT RAIN! Say it Dutt.

Tony Dutt: Make it rain.

MAKE IT RAIN! Peace, homey.

I’m a be so ballin after this summer. Durant ain’t got nothin’ of Shard. BALLLIN!

Phone plays “We Fly High”

What’s good, Dutt?

Tony Dutt: Ummmm…Mr. Lewis…I’m not quite sure how to tell you this….

Get talkin’ quick boy.

Tony Dutt: I, uh, I might not have, um, I might not have told the Sonics you were leaving at the right time.

You playin’, homie?

Tony Dutt: Unfortunately no, sir. The contract stipulations are really confusing. Something about either the end of the season or the playoffs or between June 1st trhough 5th. They’re really hard to understand.

Stop playin’ Dutt. You know I already got the Maybach on the way.

Tony Dutt: Sorry, Rashard. I’m hoping the Sonics will still allow you to be a free agent.

Dutt, I will bust your head if I’m stuck here again. Bust your head, son.

Tony Dutt: ….ummm….I’ll be in touch. Goodbye Rashard.

Don’t call me Rashard, holmes. You don’t know me. I’ma bust your head.