It'5

Just the other night, Fusilli and I were watching Lost (or as you might know it, The Best Drama on TV) and a commercial comes on. Very strange commercial, lots of oranges and blues, no dialogue. Well eventually, they say that the product is the Gillette Fusion and it's coming 2/5/06. Needless to say, I've never seen a preview for a razor, nor has my boo.

Fast forward to last night. After helping the pretty move in to her suitably gorgeous house, I return home to a package on my counter. What is in this package you ask? Thats right. The Gillette Fusion. Now I don't understand why I would receive a promotional razor in the mail, but this isn't the first time. Back when I was 16ish I got a Mach 3 in the mail. When that happened I figured it was because I was starting to be a man, and some evidence supporting that theory has been reinforced with this latest mailing. For instance, not only had I recently seen, and been confused by, the Fusion commercial; I had already planned on shaving last night. Coincidence? I think not. Furthermore, I started my first full-time (not some-time) job this week. This is surely a sign of manliness, and obviously supports my theory that Gillette will mail you a free razor when they sense that you are becoming more manly. I expect to receive their newest model whenever I buy a house and things of that sort.

But back to the razor. The only way that I can describe it is by referencing an old Saturday Night Live skit that was on when the Mach 3 was first released. In this skit, the old SNLers are poking fun at the proliferation of blades that are appearing on razors. "HAHAHA look! 4 and/or 5 blades!" Pretty funny at the time, but I got news for you Jack -- the Fusion has 5 blades. On the front. And another on the back for trimming. Now I can't see why a face would need 5 blades, but here is my guess:

• Blade 1 - the Point Man. First on the scene. Gets rid of the majority of the foliage on your face.
• Blade 2 - the Clean-Up Man. Gets all the hairs that Blade 1 missed and leaves you smooth.
• Blade 3 - the Icing on the Cake. Cleans up after the last two. And just makes sure everything is perfect.
• Blade 4 - That Guy. "Hey. You guys shaving hairs off faces? I'll shave hairs off faces."
• Blade 5 - the Mystery Friend. Not really sure how they got there, but there they are. Kind of just along for the ride.

Sure I was using personification1 above, but you get the idea. It seems that a face would be able to make due with 2 blades, or even just one if its done by a barber with that knifety thing. 3 seems just about ideal, and anything past that is just superfluous. Not to mention the little fellow on the back who just straightens you up and helps produces fine, well-manicured facial hair lines, a formerly surefire indicator of homo/metrosexuality. But now that perfectly coifed facial hair is as easy as a turn of the razor, you'll be seeing guys with perfect lines everywhere. Not too manly. Needless to say, I will be shunning this blade virtually always.

So that's the Gillette Fusion in a nutshell. I don't know why it's advertised. I don't know why I got a free one in the mail. I don't know why there are 3 "extra" blades. But it left my face pretty smooth so I can't complain.

Almost forgot. It has a terrible name. But thanks Gillette!

1. A powerful literary device.