Mothers, Don’t Let Your Children Grow Up to Be Moustache’d

It has come to my realization that moustache growing is inversely proportional to basketball success. You see, when a fellow grows a moustache, it can be seen as his entry in to manhood1. And while this will typically ensure short-term success on the basketball court; sadly, once the moustachioed player in question moves to the next level he will be only a portion as successful. Perhaps some examples are in order:

8th Grade Kid

You know this kid. In 8th grade, he not only had a moustache but also the least awkward body on the team. Ergo, he could use his not terribly awkward body to feast on the plethora of 5’9”, 110 lb. centers that typically compose an 8th grade frontcourt. However, upon entry to high school, Little Mr. Moustache quickly hits the awkward body and/or smoking stage. No longer will this 5’8”, 200 lb. hairy, behemoth dominate the lane. Fortunately this example proves that karma exists. That’s what you get for picking on little kids.

Juan Dixon

Compare his college and NBA stats:

At Maryland

PPG: 16.1
APG: 2.6
RPG: 4.2
SPG: 2.4
MPG: 28.4 (71% of game)

NBA:

PPG: 9.4
APG: 1.7
RPG: 2.0
SPG: 0.8
MPG: 20.2 (42% of game)

Juan Dixon was a pretty good college player (and surprisingly FreeDarko). He even won a National Championship. But when he got to the NBA, his moustache has been holding him back. The Brown Recluse, Esq. and I had this to say about Mr. Dixon:

Brown Recluse: dixon was FD in college, but not in the NBA
me: also, he was good in college, but not in the NBA
Brown Recluse: haha, true

Adam Morrison

Easily the most notable recent case. Morrison was another promising, though non-descript Gonzaga player2 coming in to his last year in college. But when he grew that lip warmer, he also began heating up the NCAAs. Take a look at his pre- and post-stache statistics:

Pre-stache (04-05):
PPG: 15.2
RPG: 4.9
APG: 2.1
MPG: 27.5 (69% of game)

Post-stache (05-06)
PPG: 28.8
RPG: 5.5
APG: 1.8
MPG: 36.5 (91% of game)

Mighty impressive. As we know, Morrison was the number 3 pick in what is now being called the worst draft of all time. After a highly over-rated first month, Morrison is now routinely included in discussions of the worst regular player in the NBA. In fact, Morrison has dropped out of the Bobcats starting line-up. They are 10-23, second worst in the NBA. Not good.

Of course the 70s and 80s bring to mind obvious exceptions3, but we can all agree that basketball (and facial hair) are far different now. In the past 20 years, something happened that caused moustaches to suck the basketball soul from players as they move from level to level. I'll leave it to the Recluse to explain:

me: players with moustaches get way worse when the come to the league
Brown Recluse: they peak too early

With this in mind, I can safely say that my son will not have a moustache.

Beards are fine though.

1. Bat mitzvahs have nothing to do with this discussion.
2. White and can shoot.
3. Larry Bird.