Rashard Lewis' Agent Sucks

Aw, man. What was I supposed to do today? Something important…hmmm…I’ma think of it.

OH, SNAP! I gotta find the title for the Escalade. Nah, shorty found it next to the heater in the glovebox. That ain’t it. Gotta be something else. Oh well, I’m going to be the hottest free agent on the market. I’M RICH! Somebody’ll take care of it.

Seriously though, dawg. I know there is something I had to do today. Think Rashard, think.

Try on hats from every NBA team. Check.

Order custom Rashard Lewis jersey of every team from NBA.com. Check.

Reserve gold toilet seat to celebrate max contract. Check.

Get fitted for pants made from the hair of ancient Buddhist monks. Check

MONEY AIN’T A THANG, SON. THIS SUMMER’S TOP FREE AGENT, YA HEARD?!

For rillz, Paul Wall’s already hooking my teeth up with a sick grill. Ain’t much else I’m forgetting. Ah, whatevs. I’ll just throw some cash at whatever I’m forgetting. I’ma holla at my agent.

Ay-o Dutt. You took care a errrything?

Tony Dutt: Absolutely. Mr. Lewis. I told the Sonics you were filing for free agency sometime around Memorial Day.

That’s my dawg. You got my back homie. For rill. You get me outta here, I’ma hook you up. You know I’m for real.

Tony Dutt: Oh yes, Rashard. I know that you are most definitely for real. I still remember that time you took me by Swishahouse headquarters. Whoa boy, what a culture shock!

HAHAHAHAHA. YOU WAS TRIPPIN, B. LIKE YOU AIN’T NEVAH SEEN THAT MUCH ENDO. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Tony Dutt: Well, Mr. Lewis….you’re right. I guess I was a little surprised by the amount of illicit substances that those nice fellows were using.

YOU WAS A GHOST, B. HAHAHA

Tony Dutt: ….yep.

It’s all good, Dutt. You take care a my contract. I’ma take care a you. You take care a my contract. I’ma take care a you. Believe that.

Tony Dutt: Sure thing, Mr. Lewis.

MAKE IT RAIN! Say it Dutt.

Tony Dutt: Make it rain.

MAKE IT RAIN! Peace, homey.

I’m a be so ballin after this summer. Durant ain’t got nothin’ of Shard. BALLLIN!

Phone plays “We Fly High”

What’s good, Dutt?

Tony Dutt: Ummmm…Mr. Lewis…I’m not quite sure how to tell you this….

Get talkin’ quick boy.

Tony Dutt: I, uh, I might not have, um, I might not have told the Sonics you were leaving at the right time.

You playin’, homie?

Tony Dutt: Unfortunately no, sir. The contract stipulations are really confusing. Something about either the end of the season or the playoffs or between June 1st trhough 5th. They’re really hard to understand.

Stop playin’ Dutt. You know I already got the Maybach on the way.

Tony Dutt: Sorry, Rashard. I’m hoping the Sonics will still allow you to be a free agent.

Dutt, I will bust your head if I’m stuck here again. Bust your head, son.

Tony Dutt: ….ummm….I’ll be in touch. Goodbye Rashard.

Don’t call me Rashard, holmes. You don’t know me. I’ma bust your head.