The Shane Battier Replicant

They did it, guys. They finally cloned a human, and as expected, something went wrong. This SCOUNDREL is running around calling himself "Shane Batch-ee-yay" to sound more dangerous, like Stephon Urquelle.

Well you're not fooling me Fake Shane Battier.

I've been watching you ever since that mustache showed up. You're shooting inefficient shots. You're not playing helpside defense. And when you challenge shooters, you're going for the ball and not putting your hand in their face. Did you think we wouldn't notice, Fake Shane Battier? Come on, son.

Next thing we know you're going to be trying to smooth out your head wrinkles. You're fooling no one Fake Shane. No one. Everybody who knows anything about facial hair knows that the mustache is the least efficient form of facial hair. It doesn't keep your face warm and it doesn't make your head seem longer, so what's the point? The real Shane Battier would never grow a mustache, YOU FAKING FAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The LeBron James Conspiracy

Remember this?
Enhance.Enhance.

Good. Now look at this.

It is blatantly obvious that I have uncovered another great deception in the NBA. There are only three logical explanations for this.

1. LeBron James has a twin brother named LaRon James who does not have perfect vision and is starting to bald. LaRon often stands in for LeBron when he feels the situation is either too dangerous or too inconsequential. We'll call this the Tony Clifton Scenario. This is the most likely.
   
   
2. There is some bro who looks a lot like LeBron James and is trying to capitalize on his fame and money. We'll call this the Frank Abignale Scenario. This is the second most likely, which is why it is listed second.
   
   
3. LeBron James wears glasses. This is not very likely because he is superhuman and therefore has superhuman vision. While it might be a Superman kind of thing, that persona has been co-opted by too many other athletes that a brazen copyright infringement would not go unchecked in NBA back channels. This can be discredited.

Like I said, it's most likely that there is a LeBron James twin that no one knows about. The only differences betwixt the two are the glasses, loss of hair, and complete lack of athletic ability. If you have seen The Prestige, you'll quickly realize that this is something that has been planned since LeBron realized he could become famous. By using a twin he is able to be in two places at once, which is hugely marketable. Plus it will extend LeBron's career because it will save the wear and tear of travelling around the globe.

As the old saying says, you never know when a famous athlete will have a less athletic brother with wacky hair that the Phoenix Suns will want to draft.

Mehmet Okur is Becoming LeBron James

I was just going through the vast archives of random NBA pictures that I have on my 4GB Data Traveler thumb drive. These pictures have been culled from various sources, and they serve as backup whenever I'm trying to find new memes. Memes are currency in the blogsospheres, so it's good to have some in savings. It's also wise to invest your memes in some low-risk, high return MRAs (meme retirement accounts) so that when you're done searching for memes, you still have some left over. This is all pretty complicated stuff I learned in macromemonomics, but you get the point.

ANYHOW, I was searching through my meme portfolio when I found these two pictures:

Did you notice how obvious it is that Mehmet Okur is aping LeBron's style? Here is a side-by-side comparison to elucidate the similarities:

I've connected the things that are the same with an easy-to-read color coded set of boxes and lines. Check it out.

• Same Louis Vuitton bag.
• Same creepy line beard.
• Both have electronics on their person.
• Both walking.

Pretty obvious now, isn't it? Mehmet Okur is definitely pulling a Single White Female, a documentary about people trying to be like other people. The only difference is these two people are males. And also neither is a white person (technically). But otherwise, it's the same because he's trying to look EXACTLY like him. We all know how that turned out (someone died).

I don't want to wake up some morning and read that Mehmet Okur stabbed Steven Weber with a spiked heel. Someone keep an eye on this situation.

LeBron, Kobe, and the Battle of Asia

Kinda worried about Asia, guys. Follow this chain of events:

First, Kobe Bryant forces the Lakers to sign Sun Yue as an olive branch of sorts to the Chinese. However, because it's Kobe, there's more to the signing. He knows that adding a Chinese player to the roster increases his visability in China. Following the signing, Kobe makes Sun Yue sit next to him on every airplane and bus ride they take, even though he doesn't speak a word of Chinese.

Then, LeBron James convinces Nike to run in ad campaign in China, depicting him as the rightful heir to the throne formerly inhabited by the Bearded Man and Young Girl. As all Chinese know, these two former rulers were ousted by the Angry Man who has tyrannically ruled over China for centuries. Not until LeBron have the Chinese had a worthy adversary to Angry Man.

Then, Kobe takes a tour of Asia where he promotes his super light shoe. At every turn he derides LeBron's shoe for being too clunky. The Chinese take a liking to Kobe's shoes, mostly because they look better with high-end denim. Also, they're not that upset with Angry Man, he's just misunderstood.

Angered that Kobe has usurped his throne as reigning shoe maven in China, LeBron installs a massive video screen in his house that allows him to interact with the Chinese in real time. The video screen is wired in to China's closed circuit television mainframe, which gives LeBron the ability to interrupt any program with very important news. As you can see, the Chinese are delighted.

Finally, Kobe commissions the construction of a large, friendly looking robot which has been embraced by the Chinese. Unbeknownst to them, however, the robot is programmed so that if LeBron ever interrupts a Kobe commeercial or program it will systematically destroy whichever metropolis it is near. Savvy as he is, Kobe informed LeBron of this robot's capabilities and programming, leaving the onus on LeBron to not invoke it's wrath, in essence limiting LeBron's television control.

As you can see, LeBron and Kobe are at a standstill in the Asian markets. This perilous truce could eventually lead to out and out destruction and sure retaliation. I encourage you to write your local councilman protesting the arms race in Asia and the Pacific Islands. It is only a matter of time before these two rivals incite a third World War.

Kobe Bryant: Too Concerned with Peace?

Guys, I'm kind of worried. I've been doing some investigation lately, on the information superhighway. I'm pretty well-trained on most detective techniques, including but not limited to:

• smoking out perps
• stakeouts
• disguise
• fake names
• mirrored aviators

Needless to say, I know what I'm doing. And I think I'm on to something big. Check out these latest photos of "Kobe Bryant," if that's even his real name. They're from his "Asia Tour."

Did you notice it? Probably not, because you haven't taken several correspondence courses on espionage like I have. To your untrained eye, you just see "Kobe Bryant," if that's even his real name. But to my more discouraging eye, I noticed that in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE he is giving a peace sign. Seems fishy.

And check out this one:

By now you know how to look for clues like the peace sign, but did you recognize that there are now TWO peace signs? Don't worry if you didn't, this is advanced sleuthing. Now if those original pictures seemed fishy, then this one seems TWICE as fishy, because there are two peace signs.

Now most amateur detectives, like The Big Lead, would halt their investigation here and libel the suspected parties. But not me. I went deeper. Check this out:

Can you see it? No, not the peace sign. Not the Bro either. The shirt "Kobe," if that's even his real name, is wearing. It's from this year's All Star Game, which was five months ago. So we know that this has been going on a long time.

What's the angle here?

What is "Kobe Bryant's," if that's even his real name, plan?

Is he trying to throw people off his scent by constantly preaching peace?

Might he be attempting to overthrow V.A.S.T. through his own shadow company?

Is this "peace sign" really some sort of trigger for his operatives?

I don't know yet. I have to keep digging...without a shovel.

The Utah Jazz Get Their Revenge

Last night I was watching Law & Order because that's what you have to watch if you want watch playoff games on TNT. It was the episode where a guy commits a murder and he thinks he's going to get away with it, but at the end, he ends up getting convicted. You know, that episode.

But I could see through Law & Order's ruse. This whole "show" was a sham. It was a sham show, operated by loyal Utah Jazz fans who have been holding a grudge against the Chicago Bulls for more than 10 years. Finally, through the power of television, they'd have vengeance.

The first thing that tipped me off was hiring Jerry Sloan to serve as fake prosecutor on this fake show about fake courtroom drama. I thought it was interesting how he played against type as a curmudgeonly, rule-following, authoritarian. It was a bold decision by the casting director, and I applaud Sloan for taking the chance. I knew something was up was when Jeff Hornacek showed up as the judge.

So you have Jerry Sloan and Jeff Hornacek working for the public, trying to convict a murderer, who had already been acquited once. Hmmmmm...TWO murders that are TOTALLY illegal and it's SOOO wrong that the murderer actually got away with it. Sounds familiar. Clearly, this is a case (pun) of the Utah Jazz saying that the Bulls didn't deserve their two championships in '97 and '98. Oh, and the murderer? Jud Buechler.

To recap, we have Jerry Sloan and Jeff Hornacek trying to send Jud Buechler to jail for the two murders from which he wrongfully avoided jail time. The only thing that could make this more obviously a smear job is if Buechler's lawyer was a certain athletic shooting guard.

That's right. Pete Myers was hired as the defense attorney. Obviously Jordan isn't going to support this mockery, and there's no way anyone would willingly put Scottie Pippen's wrinkly head on television. Pretty lame, considering he didn't even play for the teams that beat you.

And of course, the dramatic final moments show Pete Myers and Jud Buechler commiserating in their loss IN COURT. How could I forget? Two Utah Jazz beat two Chicago Bulls in court. That couldn't possibly be a coincidence that it sounds just like ON court.

Nice try, Utah Jazz basketball team. Real classy how you had to set up this elaborate plot to get over getting beat by the Bulls ten years ago. I'll be sure to tune in to your other Utah propaganda show, How I Met All Six of Your Mothers.

The NBA Cares...Or Do They?

I'm scared, guys. For the kids. I am scared for the kids. I'm worried that the NBA is trying to kill them. It's not just paranoia, like when Will Smith freaks out in I Am Legend. This is legit.

Don't believe me? Fine. Sacrifice your children's lives. I don't care. It's your families blood line that you're choosing to jeapordize. But if you decide you want to understand how they're doing it, here's some proof.

First is the psychological method. As you can see from the picture below, a mentalist was sent to brainwash children in New York. People inside the yellow region have been given earplugs which prevents them from intaking the deadly message that this man is transmitting. In the orange region, the children have clearly been poisoned from the inside-out. You can see it on their faces. The disinterested looks, the glassy eyes, the blank stares; all are classic symptoms of brainwashing-induced coma. The child in the red region is in the early stages of this syndrome.

As for the man hiding behind the mentalist, trying to appear nonchalant; he's the financier. His suit and tie are a dead giveaway that he's the money man behind this whole operation.

If the psychological method isn't effective, the NBA has also mobilized its most lethal killing machine.

Look at the glee on LeBron's face as he bowls over numerous children IN PLAIN SIGHT. 260 pounds of muscle and bone pounding in to the chest cavities of these youngsters, grinning as they are unaware of their impeding doom. This aggression must not go unchecked.

For years, the NBA has told us that they are trying to give back to the community through programs such as NBA Cares and the ill-fated association with Billy Crystal's Comic Relief. However, these two pictures clearly show the truly horrific nature of David Stern's covert operation to eliminate his foes. The only question, is "why?"

Is Anthony Morrow a Real Person? - A Blowtorch Investigation

Evidence for


Evidence against

Conclusions
There are only two logical results:

1. Anthony Morrow is a real NBA player, who plays for the Golden State Warriors. He can only play for the Golden State Warriors, since his main skill is scoring. Upon joining another team, he would be Damien Wilkins (read: shoots too much, hated, annoying).


2. Anthony Morrow is a construct. Concocted by a Dustin Hoffman in Wag the Dog type, "Morrow" was created to assuage concerns by the Golden State faithful. His existence is predicated on the concept of fairness. After Monta Ellis' injury, "Anthony Morrow" was created so that Warriors fans can have something to be happy about. Upon Ellis' return, "Morrow" will cease to exist.

The truth is out there.

More Proof of the Grand NBA Conspiracy

Those are the REGULAR SEASON STANDINGS from NBA.com. Little did you know that the season was already a week old and that they settled playoff seeds after the first 6 or 7 games. That David Stern will do anything to screw Phoenix.

CSI: Chicago

You might think that Doug Collins is the only former Chicago Bull returning to the Windy City, but you'd be wrong. The Blowtorch presents to you two independent pictures that surely hint at the return of another legend. Draw your own conclusions.
HMMMMMMM...............