Celebrities Like LeBron James

It's a scientific fact that sometimes celebrities like basketball. And sometimes even pseudo-celebrities like basketball, most notably Billy Crystal. In fact, both real and kind of celebrities sometimes like basketball so much that they sometimes attend games, even in Oakland. It happened just last night, when the Cleveland Cavaliers visited the Golden State Warriors. In the name of journalism, I checked in with these stars to see what they thought of LeBron James dunking a lot.

• Christopher Lee - "No, I'm not Ian McKlellan, who is a dear friend of mine. I am Sir Christopher Lee, perhaps better known as Saruman. Tis it noble of me to mention my roles? I carest not, for I have played Count Dooku AND Doctor Scaramanga. CHARLEMAGNE!"
• Mark Wahlberg - "Hey LeBron. That's a nice dunk. You jump pretty high. My brother jumped off a roof once. Say hi to your mother for me."
• Lynne Spears - "Sure he's a successful child prodigy now, but just wait."
• Andy Garcia (not pictured) - "Can I get some better seats please? Like something out of the upper bowl?
  

Things That Actually Happened in a Professional Basketball Game in 2009

Elton from Clueless dunked.

Whoever this guy is shot a jump shot.

The guy from the Dead Presidents movie poster ran on the court for a hug from Undercover Brother.

The most overwrought dunk attempt of all-time was blocked by the most overwrought block attempt of all-time. Relax, guys.

Whatever Aaron Brooks is doing.

PRO TIP: Sometimes you just have to link to something involving Eddie Griffin.

Is Anthony Morrow a Real Person? - A Blowtorch Investigation

Evidence for


Evidence against

Conclusions
There are only two logical results:

1. Anthony Morrow is a real NBA player, who plays for the Golden State Warriors. He can only play for the Golden State Warriors, since his main skill is scoring. Upon joining another team, he would be Damien Wilkins (read: shoots too much, hated, annoying).


2. Anthony Morrow is a construct. Concocted by a Dustin Hoffman in Wag the Dog type, "Morrow" was created to assuage concerns by the Golden State faithful. His existence is predicated on the concept of fairness. After Monta Ellis' injury, "Anthony Morrow" was created so that Warriors fans can have something to be happy about. Upon Ellis' return, "Morrow" will cease to exist.

The truth is out there.

Occasional Observations on Several Subjects - the Free Darko Book Launch Edition

• Whilst at the Free Darko book launch, some humans ended up watching the Warriors-Pistons game. This guy came in the game. I had never seen this man in my life. It was the first time I've been stumped on a player in a long, long time. To make things worse, every time the cameras were close to showing the back of his jersey, they'd cut away or he'd turn around. It was as if he was taunting us with his anonymity. Turns out, he's named Anthony Morrow, an undrafted rookie signed by Golden State. A player so unknown that NBA.com has no picture or bio for him. Of course, he ended up playing significant minutes down the stretch.


• Outside of Stephen Jackson, Andris Biedrins, and Corey Maggette, watching the Warriors is no longer fun for me. I think it's mostly due to Nelson and his refusal to settle on a rotation. There are only three possible explanations:
  
  1) He's trying to prove that the roster he's been given is in adequate in a push to have Mullin ousted.
  2) He's tinkering and trying to find the right combination of players to keep the ship afloat until Monta gets back.
  3) He feels his system can account for the severe talent drop-off after his three best players.
  
  He won't settle on a point guard. He plays Azubuike a lot of minutes at a position where he takes a lot of jumpers, even though he's a terrible jump-shooter. He's just now figuring out how to use Brandan Wright. He's running Stephen Jackson in to the ground. Frankly, his lineup choices are terrible and I help thinking that it's because he's selling out Mullin.


• It's WAY too early to tell, but the Iverson trade has really messed up the Pistons. They are a mess on defense and his propensity to dominate the ball, coupled with the Pistons deferrential nature seems like a bad mix. I'm a big, big fan of this team (and the majority of the players on the roster) but I have a bad feeling that Curry's inexperience and subsequent lack of respect will be the Pistons' downfall. To get through to Wallace and Iverson AND get the most out of their young players, they need a very strong coach. It's unlikely that Curry is that guy.

END BASKETBALL ANALYSIS

• The Free Darko party was everything I expected and more. The pizza was great. The awkwardness whenever anyone would enter the room was even better. I am continually amazed at how open and friendly and receptive bloggers are in person.


• It seemed like a joke in the post, but we really read the manifesto in unison. Surely this frightened the party in the next room. Most strange is that the first few lines of the manifesto, when read aloud, definitely sound like an altar call from a church.
  

The Beautiful Mystery of Basketball

Kevin Love: Oh, it's so magical. I've never seen anything quite like it.

Andris Biedrins: Yah, ess vunderfawl. I like-a ze vay zat eet lukes. Vhat ees eet?

KL: Ha. Like I'm going to tell you. Idiot.

AB: Comes on, Kayvuhn. Jahst tell me. I promeice zat I vill not tell anyvahn.

KL: I don't trust foreigners.

AB: Kayvuhn, tell me. Tell Andris what zat magic ees. I have nayvor seen anyseeng like zit.

KL: Man, get your hands off me. The Love Doctor only sees female clients.

AB: But Kayvuhn, who can tell Andris vhat eet ees?

KL: Ask that drunk guy by your bench.

Don Nelson: OH SWEET CANDIED YAMS, THAT'S AMAZING! SOMEBODY GRAB ME A BREWSKI AND CHECK THIS THING OUT! BETTER YET, BRING LIKE NINE! I FEEL LIKE A KID AGAIN!

AB: Vhat a vaste.

Monta Ellis Crashes His Moped

I am SO EXCITED to be SHOPPING today! What a FABOULOUS day for SHOPPING and my Vespa. I just love Vessy. She's my baby.

First things first, I MUST have that new blazer from Louis. Oh, that blazer is to die for. I saw Kanye wearing it and knew I HAD to get it. That Kanye, so fierce!

Well, now that I've got my GORGEOUS blazer, I guess I'll need to pair it with some trousers. I haven't seen ANY good trousers lately. UGH, this selection is dismal. I better head to Gucci. They're trousers look AMAZING on me.

(places Louis Vuitton blazer on back of Vespa)

Oh my word! I've never seen so many interesting pants! I need these in my life. All of these. Give me EVERY pair! Every one! Loves it!

OK. Blazer? Check. Pants? Check, check, check! What a great pants find. My goodness. Still need shirts, ties, and shoes though. I've got to look SPECTACULAR this season. To Burberry!

(places three pairs of pants on back of Vespa)

Burberry, you never disappoint me. Never. Looks like Montigallo is going to be spending a little bit of money here today! I'll take the gingham, tartan, light stripe, heavy stripe, grey banker, and that beautiful little King George plaid. Those are AMAZING. Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm. Baron is going to be sorry he left.

AND HOW CAN I PASS UP THIS CROPPED TRENCH? Too hott!

(places 6 shirts and trenchcoat on back of Vespa and leaves for Prada, the Vespa wobbles)

Last but certainly not least, SHOES! Monta loves him some shoes. I've seen those new Prada driving mocs and they are out of this world. If they have my size, I'm getting them in every color. It's so good to have money!

Lemme see. Dark chocolate, camel, BLUE SUEDE!, these are FANTASTIC. And those light brown Chelsea boots? Yes, please! Oh, Monta, you're going to look phenomenal.

(places 4 pairs of shoes on back of Vespa, the Vespa sways back and forth as Monta leaves for home)

SINCE WHEN IS THERE A PINKBERRY HERE? LOVES IT, LOVES IT, LOVES IT!!!!!

(Monta purchases a large Pinkberry frozen yogurt and hops on his off-balance Vespa)

This yogurt is SO GOOD. I cannot believe this was made by humans. AMAZING.

(the Vespa swerves back and forth while Monta eats his yogurt)

Whew, Monta. Gotta take it slooooow and enjoy this yogurt. I could die now and be happy. Pinkberry, I love you.

(as the Vespa slows, it finally loses balance destroying Monta's ankle while his Pinkberry ruins the majority of his new clothing)

Oh, no. MY PINKBERRY!

Nellie Teaches Monta Defense

Hands up like this Coach?

NO! GET YOUR ARMS UP AND OUT!

Better?

Ay carumba.

It's fun to say Marco Belinelli

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Marco Belinelli

Strengths: great scorer, great shooter, hilarious last name
Weaknesses: pretty terrible defensively, just an ok passer, easily confused when playing "Marco Polo"

NBA Comparison (best-case): Ray Allen
NBA Comparison (worst-case): Boston Nachobar
NBA Comparison (most likely): Mike Miller

Brandan Wright has braces

For the next few weeks, the Blowtorch will be bringing you a series of rookie previews (complete with caricatures!) until we get through the first round. It all culminates with a ballin t-shirt commemorating the best draft in the history of awesomeness.

Brandan WrightStrengths: hops, orthodontia, finishes with both hands

Weaknesses: lack of jumper, lack of ball-handling skills

NBA Comparison (best-case): Chris Bosh

NBA Comparison (worst-case): Tony Battie

NBA Comparison (most likely): Shareef Abdur-Rahim

Stephen Jackson, Behind the Numbers

Good Ways to Spend $5,000:
- 5,000 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers
- 100,000 minutes of collect calls
- 333 pairs of Starbury’s
- 33 pairs of Jordans
- 8 Playstation 3s
- 1 time of shooting a gun off at a strip club
- Making it rain
- 34 minutes of Vince Carter playing on your team

Estimated cost of a night out with Stephen Jackson
Fresh white AF1s = $80
Fresh fitted = $35
Crisp denim = $175
Lap dances (20) at $20 each = $400
Various stripper fees = $250
Bottles of Cristal (5) at $500 each = $2,500
Chicken finger baskets (12) at $8 each = $96
Lawyer fees = $12,500
Gun (1) = $250
Shooting gun in air = $5,000 + community service (100 hours)
Total cost = $21,286

Somewhere, Nick Anderson is Smiling

During my senior year, my buddy Clinton and I sat and watched one of the games at our Christmas tourney. Thorughout the game there was this old lady who would repeat this mantra during every free throw attempt:

“What do free throws do? They win games.”

Mind you, she wasn’t asking anyone. Just constantly repeating that as her team shot free throws. Since we were 16 we were cracking up. But after last night, I can’t stop thinking about that lady.

Golden Steezy

Tonight, I’m a Warriors fan. And judging by the Bulls results in the second round, I might be adopting them as my primary rooting interest very soon. Hopefully the Warriors can come up with some sort of plan to stop the Booze, likely involving this guy:

Nonetheless, watching the Warriors is like watching the most entertaining pick-up game you’ve ever seen. Their tireless. Furthermore, they’re the most conflicted team I’ve ever seen. Aside from Richardson, every single player is out to prove themselves and that makes them special. I wouldn’t necessarily consider it an underdog mentality (and it is certainly more than a chip on their collective shoulders); it’s more cathartic than that. The Warriors represent every discarded part of everyone’s lives, a real-life Island of Misfit Toys. That’s why a guy like Baron Davis won’t come out with a cramp while Vince Carter convulses by the bench. The Warriors and that their redemption isn’t predicated just on winning, but winning the way they do.

Ch-Check It Out: Golden State of Mind