HAHAHAHAHA! Work!

When I got the schedule that said I would be working from 3-1130pm on both tonight (Thursday) and Friday, I thought what most would think -- this is going to suck. Little did I know. Basically tonight, I have looked at the internets, sent text messages, and am now listening to my iPod. All the while getting premium pay. It's almost like they're paying me to do what I would be doing what I would be doing anyways. This has to be the easiest way to stick it to the man. Jerry Poro would be proud.

Currently listening to: "What Do I Get?" - the Buzzcocks

Back to "work." hahahahahahahaha!

Posses

After last night's NBA Draft, I was inspired to get a posse because I wouldn't want to end up in a situation where I would want to be celebrating with a bunch of people but no one is around. But I don't think I want the typical friends posse, since I already have that in the Fites. Instead, I want an Wild Wild West posse, Will Smith style. That being said, the application to join my posse follows. Applications can be submitted via comment.

Application for Admission to Trey Kerby's Posse

Name:
Date of Birth:
Gender: M F (circle one)
Height:
Weight:
Weaponry Skills: (please list all)



Technological Skills:



Other Skills:



Communicable Diseases:


Celebrity Crush:

Favorite Band:



Other:

Thank you for your interest in joining Trey Kerby's posse.
Your application will be processed and you will be notified of the results.

In a Predicament

Oh man. I'm in a serious quandry right now, and I'm not really sure what I should do.

All my friends keep on getting married, and I mean, everybody knows that gets the old ball and chain thinking about marriage. Now I was never too worried about my girlfriend, Anne, wanting to get married too soon. I thought things were going great. But then we go to Marco's wedding (too early) and she catches the bouquet. Let's just say my wild mustang days are over.

So I finally decide, I might as well propose to Anne, she's a real cool chick. But knowing me, I really really messed up the proposal. Telling a girl, "You win" is not the most effective method of conveying your love for another person. Now she's gone. And if that weren't bad enough, my grandpa (a multimillionaire) just died.

Between the breakup and the death, I'm pretty destroyed. Then I remember that there is something in my Pappy's will that said that I should inherit a lot of the money. Jackpot!

In the words of Lee Corso, not so fast my friend.

I don't get any money unless I get married by 6:05 on the day of my 30th birthday. Now that doesn't sound too bad. At the very least, I can find someone quick and get a prenup and be ok. Oh yeah, my birthday is TOMORROW!!!!

Everyone so far has just said that I just need to go through my little black book and find a suitable wife. But all my old girlfriends know that I was scared of commitment. To add to my problems, virtually every news station has broadcast the news that I need a wife. At one point, about 200 girls in wedding dresses chased me down the street trying to get me to marry them.

The best that I can hope for is that Anne comes back because after this whole ordeal I finally understand what true love is. My guess is that if she comes back before 6:05 tomorrow, we would get married.

The Tots 25

1. Positive Tension - Bloc Party
2. New Years Eve - the Walkmen
3. Very Loud - Shout Out Louds
4. I Predict a Riot - Kaiser Chiefs
5. Psycho Killer (Live) - Talking Heads
6. The Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie
7. C'Mere - Interpol
8. Third Planet - Modest Mouse
9. Song Seven - Interpol
10. Poor Little Rich Boy - Regina Spektor
11. Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels) - Arcade Fire
12. Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others - the Smiths
13. Cry Baby Cry - the Beatles
14. Head On - Pixies
15. Sleeping In - Postal Service
16. You Might Think - the Cars
17. Decent Days and Nights - the Futureheads
18. Proud Mary - Creedence Clearwater Revival
19. Slow Hands - Interpol
20. Go It Alone - Beck
21. Next Exit - Interpol
22. Obstacle 1 - Interpol
23. Silence Kit - Pavement
24. Summer Babe (Winter Version) - Pavement
25. Girl - Beck

The results of this list are a bit skewed due to the fact that one night I left my iPod on for about 8 hours with only a handful of songs playing. Oops.

In Praise of the Phat Phree

Imagine, if you will, that you have to work an 8 and 1/2 hour shift at a local hospital. Furthermore, imagine that you only have something to do when you get called. And continuing on, you only get called three times in these 8 and 1/2 hours to do something. After removing time spent on work and lunch, you have roughly 7 and 1/2 hours of paid nothingness. I know it sounds great, but that's my life every other Sunday. Needless to say, I need to have something to do during those 7ish hours. The only options are a nap, television, and the internet. Though these three things mirror the driving forces of my summer schedule, a man can only take so much internet before it feels like they've seen the whole thing --trust me. However, there is a remedy and its called the Phat Phree. The Phat Phree is a humor website that's essentially a mix between the Onion, Collegehumor, and Sports Pickle. Here are my top 3 articles that I read Sunday:

1. Iron Mike's Real Legacy
2. The Dry Spell : A True Love Story
3. The 6 People in Gym Heaven

At the very least, click the links and read those stories, especially if you love Mike Tyson's Punchout for Nintendo. But if you were really brilliant, you would just go to the site and laugh consistently for at least an hour. Its up to you.

Pop the Top

Yesterday I bought a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper from a gas station because it seems like that is the only place they can be purchased. Aside from the fact that the pop tastes different everytime I drink it, I had quite the confusing soda experience. The wrapper advertised "75 Mini Coopers in 75 Days," with an opportunity to win said Mini Cooper online. The way to win was that they give you a code that you have to enter at a website and blah blah blah. Naturally, I didn't save the cap because I knew that I wouldn't win one of the 75 Mini Coopers on any of the 75 days. This led to a realization, I have never won any of the big prizes from a pop giveaway, and I don't know anybody who has. I don't even know anybody who knows anybody who has won a car or a million dollars or a trip to wherever. Sure, I've won free pops and songs. I even got a few of the free songs from iTunes that Pepsi had a couple of years ago. But has anyone ever actually won a major prize from those things? You would think that being in the Naperville/Lisle area, a major suburb of a major city, would result in at least the knowledge of someone who has overcame the odds of those contests. But no, I don't think that I will ever know anyone to win one. But I really don't care all that much because it would make for some strange conversations:

Friend: "Hey Trey, when did you get that PT Cruiser?"

Me: "Oh, about a month ago. I won the Mountain Dew cap game thing."

Friend: "Really?!?! How???"

Me: "I think its obvious, I opened the pop that I planned on drinking."
Trey fires shot at friend's kneecap in retaliation for being 154th person to ask these questions

Just like someone who met their husband or wife on a show like Elimidate, this scenario is awkward and will NEVER happen. But that's totally fine, because I don't want to a)have to buy a gun or b)have to shoot my friends. Oh well, I'll just stick to enjoying my free pops and/or buying one and getting one free.

Street Cred

• The Strokes are done with their third album. Sounds like it'll be a little bit of a move in a different direction, which is good. I also like seedless watermelon.
  
• This guy loves mixtapes as much as I do, but he'll probably tell you he loves them more. (courtesy of Whatevs)
• Though she tried to play the "tough" girl in the Charlie's Angels movies, Cameron Diaz got beat up by a model. (courtesy of PItNB)
• Headline: Director says Lohan's breasts weren't touched Trey's thoughts: "yeah, right"

A side note: I want to see Herbie:Fully Loaded for a couple of reasons 1) I liked Herbie when I was little 2) I miss dark hair, big boobs Lindsay Lohan. On with the Cred.

• Something happened with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?
• There is absolutely no way that this is true.
• Jessica Alba is on the cover of Rolling Stone looking absolutely gorgeous.
  

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Summer is the time where you get really bored and try to learn new things. With that in mind, here are 5 quick things I wish I could do (or do better):

1. Play piano/keyboards
2. Sew/make clothes
3. Cook
4. Jump
5. Play guitar
   

Just A Few Things

• I bought the Shout Out Louds full length Howl Howl Gaff Gaff. And it is terrific. I think they sound like early Weezer, before they sucked.
• I just saw a video for the Transplants, a band that has the drummer from Blink 182, lead singer from Rancid, and a bass player who looks like a miniature Bam Bam Bigelow. As you can imagine, they are garbage.
• This chocolate chip cookie dough PopTart I'm eating is really, really good. I'm surprised they didn't think of this filling earlier.
• Making someone a mixtape is way cooler than burning them a mix CD. However, I don't have a tape deck in my car, so that's not too convenient. Helpful hint: when making someone a mixtape, don't give them a list of the songs. That way they have to listen to everything at least once.
• The Spurs are really good.
  
• I got to rock with the Feedback Whales Saturday night. It's safe to say that we're the next big thing.
• Pirates have the life. They sail all day, don't put in an honest day's work, and have a bird at their beck and call. I want to be a pirate.
• Lollapalooza is going to be off the chain/hook/hanger/heezy.
• Skizzy
• "Helena" by My Chemical Romance is a really good song, if only for the chorus.
• I can't believe Michael Jackson got off. What a creep. (And not in the good BU way)
• I love Uma.

Get Behind Me Satan

I just bought the new White Stripes yesterday. And it is sooooo good. RollingStone loves it too. I think the disc is terrific. It doesn't sound anything like the White Stripes have ever done. That's kind of a lie though, since they have done quite a few songs featuring Jack on piano. Nonetheless, this release clearly shows that McCartney is Jack's favorite Beatle. I think its pretty cool that a hugely successful guitar oriented band would pretty much disregard what made them famous, but I guess that's what Jack is all about. The emergence of a marimba shows that what many people thought would happen (that the drums and guitar formula couldn't contain all of Jack's ideas) has finally happened. But the music is all that much better for it. Furthermore, the song "I'm Lonely (But I Ain't That Lonely Yet)" shows the obvious influence that Loretta Lynn had on Jack. Another thing that is quite a bit different then other White Stripes releases is the song structures. Being from Detroit, its easy to see how they drew on Motown for different ideas of how to put a song together. I would highly recommend Get Behind Me Satan to anyone with a brain, but if you don't want to buy it, I suppose I could be talked in to burning it for you.

Street Cred

• In related news, Jack has a new band with Brendan Benson called the Raconteurs. I'll also buy this the day it comes out. (courtesy of Goldenfiddle)
• Alledgedly, Lindsay Lohan is a huge cokehead. No wonder she looks like an Ethiopian. (courtesy of Whatevs)
• These pictures are what it will look like when Brad and Angelina finally get married.
• Slightly old news: Jessica Simpson supposedly cheated on Nick Lachey with Bam Margera and Johnny Knoxville. Downgrade!
• Jessica Alba wore a see-through dress to the MTV awards. Upgrade!
  
• Unsurprisingly, Paris Hilton got naked on European TV. (last three courtesy of the Superficial)
  

Week In Review (part 2)

Wednesday
Wednesday was a very consumerish sort of day. First I made a trip to Kiss the Sky in Batavia (or somewhere close) and picked up a bunch of really good classic rock records and a needle to make my turntable work again. Here's the records

• I - Led Zeppelin
• III - Led Zeppelin
• IV - Led Zeppelin
• Houses of the Holy - Led Zeppelin
• Aftermath - the Rolling Stones
• Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
• John and Yoko in Toronto '69 - Plastic Ono Band

Needless to say, it was a successful trip to the record store. Then I made a quick stop at Best Buy to pick up a new hard drive and expand my memory since I plan on finally recording music on my computer.

Thursday
On Thursday my family and I went to the Museum of Science and Industry to see their Body Worlds exhibit. If you don't already know, its a collection of hundreds or cadavers and body parts that have been plastinated and are on display. With this plastination procedure everything looks like a mannequin but it is a real body. It was awesome. There is no other word to describe it. Particularly if you like studying the human body, but even if you don't it is a phenomenal thing to see. I don't even want to try and describe it for fear of underestimating the greatness of the stuff there. Moving on.

Friday
What did I do Friday? Oh yeah, went to one of the best shows I've ever seen. Accompanied by my favorite chemist not named Ron Anderson, I went to the New City YMCA in Chicago for this year's Block Party (here is my review of last year's). First to perform was Hot Hot Heat, a band who I could pretty much care less about. However, they put on a wonderful show, packed with unintentional comedy. For instance, I have devised a few ekrashuns to describe what each of the members looked like:

• Lead singer (Steve Bays) -- Carrot Top + Napoleon Dynamite's nose + Freddie Mercury's stage antics
• Guitarist (Luke Paquin) -- Johnny Ramone + Scott Lucas from Local H
• Bassist (Dustin Hawthorne) -- my friend Tyler when he has long hair and hasn't shaved
• Drummer (Paul Hawley) -- the oldest Hanson brother + Ug from Salute Your Shorts + 80s guitar solo faces

As for the show, the singer kept on encouraging the crowd to clap, much like a church service. He also favored the best knees - crotch thrust as his keyboard playing pose which was of course hilarious. He seemed like a caffeine addict.

Next to take the outdoor stage was personal favorite Interpol. Well dressed as usual, the band played music that seemingly filled all of the surrounding air. The best word to describe the atmosphere during their performance was sexy. Some would say that the band was seducing them without them even knowing, which is of course a great definition of sexy. Since there was three bands, Interpol only played for a little less than an hour. However, the ten songs they did were perfect. There were some other ones that I wanted to hear but I can't complain. That being said, the next time they come to Chicago as headliners I'm going no matter what.

Last up was Queens of the Stone Age who were easily the heaviest band that I've ever seen. I was surprised by how loud and heavy they were. In fact, I couldn't hear out of my left ear (which was slightly turned to the stage) until about 3 in the afternoon the next day. Frontman Josh Homme did his usual sweet things like talk about dancing, rocking, and of course, threatening to fight a kid in the audience who threw a shoe on stage. They played all of their biggest singles ("No One Knows,""Go With the Flow,""Little Sister," etc.) and a few lesser known songs. Josh rocked it real hard on the guitar, even at times going back and forth on solos with the other guitarist Troy Van Leeuwan.

Like I said, I definitely had impaired hearing for a good part of the next day to go along with my sore back and legs. However, I think that those things are a sign of a really good concert. And if you don't then you're stupid.

Normal Blowtorch posts will resume tomorrow.

Week in Review (part 1)

I was gone all last week so I didn't post. Here's what I did:

Sunday
After going to church, my mom, my sister and I began the 5 hour journey to my cousin Erin's house just outside of St. Louis. However, before the trip even started my sister decided that it would be a good idea to drop a hot iron on her leg. She was wrong. She now has a huge iron mark on her leg that should take about 3 months to heal (I'm guessing). Anyhow, once we got going we made a detour in Bloomington, Illinois for Monicals Pizza. Generally, Monicals is a southern Illinois thing, but luckily there was one in sort of nearby Bloomington. If you've never had some Monicals Pizza, I feel kind of sorry for you, but then again, its only pizza. Real thin crust that is almost burned, and needless to say, wonderful. After eating, we made a quick stop at the Osco pharmacy who then suggested we take Kenzie to Urgent Care. We did go to Urgent Care, but there was a long line so we left. Its just a leg. When we got to Erin and Jeff's (her husband) we sat around and talked for a while before my mom's sister Sandi (Erin's mom) showed up. Then we went to Hardee's for dinner. I hadn't been to a Hardees in forever due to the closing of the previously lesbian-owned one in Plano closed. It was a delight.


Monday
After I woke up and indulged in some donuts, it was off to Guitar Center with Jeff. This being Memorial Day, there was a huge sale called the "Day of a Thousand Deals," complete with creepy voiceover commercials. I picked up a recording card for my computer that will enhance the abilities of said computer, therefore making my home studio more effective. I still need name for the studio. After we got back (Jeff bought Erin a real nice amp for her birthday), we had some lunch. But dinner was the meal of the day, for shiz. Jeff fixed us all NY strip steaks that were among the best steaks any of us had ever had, far surpassing the Graduation Day debacle at Timber Lodge Steakhouse.

Tuesday
Since Jeff and Erin had to go back to work, it was an early day for the Kerby family. First we headed to the St. Louis Zoo, which was advertised as being rated the #1 zoo in America. Something tells me that the rating system is faulty. It seemed like there were just as many empty exhibits as there were animal occupied ones. Nonetheless, the bird exhibits were a highlight, as was me making the kookaburra mating call ("koo-koo-koo-ka-ka-ka") to an unsuspecting zoo employee who was cleaning a cage. After the zoo, we headed to University City Loop, a real hipster kind of place. They did have a pretty sweet record store --Vintage Vinyl -- where I picked up the following:

• Changesone - David Bowie
• Greatest Hits - the Cars
• Greatest Hits - Queen
• Greatest Hits - Marvin Gaye
• Drums and Wires - XTC

Not a bad day at the record store. After a fruitless search for a Sonic drive-in we settled for a Jack-In-the-Box, which wasn't bad. I still have never eaten at a Sonic, but their commercials make their food look awesome, so I want to. Following the meal, I drove us the rest of the way home where we all proceeded to lie around and do nothing.

Tomorrow I'll finish the rest of my week in review.