The Slow Goodnight

The System failed them.

The System failed us.

It’s fitting, really. The very same system that brought us together let us down. Yeah, it might not be the exact same system; not as fluid, not the same. Still not familiar though, and still nostalgia-laden.

Where was the shooter in the corner? He’s always there. Joe, Q, Raja, anyone. Why wasn’t he there? How could that tenant of this offense fail them at that time?

And Nash. Poor, Steve Nash. Resigned to losing since The Trade. Couldn’t even muster an argument on the last turnover. KD said it best, “it’s like watching your Dad get beat up.” Where was the dribble-probing that makes this thing work? How could that disappear? How could he appear in all the wrong ways?

Three turnovers lost the game, but they didn’t lose The Game. The Game was lost in June. No way a guy with Kerr’s background (Duncan, MJ, Phil) meshes with a guy like D’Antoni. Couldn’t work. Didn’t work.

Now they’re stuck, right? Nash and Amare are back, sure. But so is Shaq. So is Boris, sometimes. (Is there any player in the league more emotionally distant but emotionally affected than he?) The bench is back, too. That disaster of a bench. The one that’ll continue to cost them legs and games and series.

The Architect is leaving, maybe to Chicago. That’d be something. The place where his antagonist made his name would be his new nest. It won’t be the same though. Nowhere will.

They were made for each other. They were made for us. Now, we all crumble.

Read This, Please

This is my baby. If you read it, I'll be very appreciative.

Steven Hunter is Kind of Hilarious

A reader (and soon to be in-law) sends along this charming story about Steven Hunter:

Steven Hunter and I both took the ACT at my high school during SpringBreak 1999. I went to a small high school, so all the teachers administering the test would have no problem identifying any of the students taking the test, assuming they were from my high school.However, they still required us to bring our student ID's and drivers licenses. There was a small number of students from other nearby high schools taking the test, Steven Hunter being one of them.

When prompted for identification, and after telling the teacher he only brought a No. 2 pencil and forgot his wallet, he removed his sweatshirt to reveal his McDonald's All American jersey, after which he turned around and said something to the effect of "See? It says Hunter." The teacher went and got the basketball coach who confirmed his identity, and somehow this gained him access.

Add Steven Hunter to the list of guys who wear their own jersey in public. Way to be, Steven!

1000 Words: It's Getting Cold in Dallas

Pistons vs 76ers Liveblog

I'll be over at the Sports by Brooks mansion for the Detroit-Philly tilt tonight. Come join me. It should be fun watching Rasheed Wallace embarrass himself in front of his hometown.

Impromptu Liveblog - Suns vs. Spurs Game 3

I'm Liveblogging RIGHT NOW

Go to Sports by Brooks.

It's an Homage

I was nearly moved to tears last night. When McGrady badly missed that clinching jumper, it wasn’t just a missed shot. It was his missed shot. Any other player in any other situation and that’s just ugly. But after the one combined point fiasco, that could have been the cherry. Instead, it’s was the prelude to another round of CHOKER headlines.

Maybe Landry’s block makes people forget that Tracy had a chance to ice the game. Maybe people will just look at the boxes and see 9-2-1 in the 4th and forget about the missed shot. Surely, they’ll forget that the Rockets went to Battier (SHANE BATTIER?) for a good part of the stretch. Nonetheless, McGrady’s miss gave his detractors no reason to change what they’ve been saying.

For once, I want McGrady to transcend the game. To be what everyone wants him to be, even if that’s not who he really is. It might not be fatally flawed, but there’s something inherent to him that’s hard to capture. In the way that Kobe and Lebron make the “right” pass at the “right” time, T-Mac makes the right pass at the wrong time. It’s that something that leaves him incapable of destroying fourth quarters like KB24 and Bron. And it’s that fear of letting people down that tears me in two.

Deep Thoughts: Lakers-Nuggets Game 2

Howie: you know, kleiza is sorta awesome

me: i was just thinking that
i think he's on my shortlist of favorite nba guys

Howie: he has such fun hops
it's not like they're air-time worthy, but just HOPS
HOPS!!!

me: its like his legs always come up high when he dunks

Howie: yea exactly

me: plus he looks intense always
like a never-smiler

Howie: i think he forgot he was in the army in another life

me: and 43 is a cool number

Howie: yea, but the font has a lot to do wif it
like, i thought of this many moons
on the raps font, 43 would just look stupid

me: single digits are best for the RAPS

Howie: but say, t-wovles, MAD COOL
i love the nba because of marcus camby led fast breaks

me: i just like watching him run

Howie: KLEIZIZIZIZZIZIIZA

This is Really Happening

"I'm really in to microcosms."

"I know exactly what you mean."

"No, you don't. And that's exactly what I mean."

You Got It Goin' On

Allow me to quickly interrupt and tell you to go buy the Flight of the Conchords CD immediately. You'll be funnier if you do.

My New Favorite Position

Back in January, PhDribble pontificated on the whole positional shoehorning beeswax. It's a good read, and he's right. Positions nowadays are pretty meaningless, just ask FreeDarko. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized my favorite player-type in the NBA right now is Big Guys Who Only Dunk. There's just something hilarious and awesome to me about guys who only means of offense is trying to tear the rip apart every time they touch the ball.

Some examples:

Holla at Me

I'll be blogging all day over at Sports by Brooks today. Go check it out. There'll be a liveblog for Dallas vs. New Orleans tonight.

The Weakest Link: Denver Nuggets

Someone, possibly Tim Gunn once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Denver Nuggets and Steven Hunter…

Hasn't Steven Hunter supposed to be an integral part of about 4 teams? I can remember people thinking he'd help out Tracy McGrady in Orlando. And then that he was going to be valuable inside for the Suns. And THEN he was supposed to be decent for the 76ers. Of course, he's done virtually nothing for any of those teams.

And now I've come to find that Steven Hunter is on the Nuggets. Since it was a shock to me, I'm guessing that they aren't expecting anything from him. Which is good. Because he's Steven Hunter. And he isn't good.

Fun Facts:

Favorite book is "The Cat in the Hat"...once tried out for the Bravo television show "Project Runway"...graduated from Proviso East High School in Maywood, Illinois...writes children's books in his spare time...once backpacked through 20 European countries

Proof That Steven Hunter is Now On the Nuggets:

The Weakest Link: Atlanta Hawks

Someone, possibly Vito Corleone once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Atlanta Hawks and Mario West…

Here's a list of guys with the last name West that I can think of off the top of my head (no Googling):

Adam West - Batman

Kanye West - rapper

Jerry West - logo

David West - basketball player

Doug West - basketball player

Mark West - basketball player

the direction West - a cardinal direction

Sorry, Mario. I don't know you. And after this year's playoffs, I don't think that's going to change.

Fun Facts:
Won the 2007 collegiate dunk contest...was drafted by the Harlem Globetrotters...left leg is a full 2 inches longer than right leg...is an accomplished tap dancer who has performed in Off-Broadway productions...favorite television show is "2 and a Half Men"

Proof That Mario West is a Basketball Player in the NBA:

The Weakest Link: Dallas Mavericks

Someone, possibly Sun Tzu once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Dallas Mavericks and Juwan Howard…

Remember when Juwan Howard was part of THE FUTURE? Remember when he was an All-Star? Remember when he was considered a franchise player and was subsequently overpayed by Washington?

Remember when he crippled Washington's cap space? Remember when he ruined the beginning of Chris Webber's prime? Remember his terrible, combed forward hairstyle?

Remember when he gave those two chicks herpes? Or when he got busted stealing a pair of $1600 sunglasses?

All these things are true about Juwan Howard. As is the fact that Juwan Howard is currently averaging 1.1 ppg for the Mavericks. Enjoy feeling like you're 1000 years old.

Fun Facts:

First player to sign 100 million dollar contract...met his wife, Jenine, at a party hosted by Alonzo Mourning...runs flower delivery site JuwanFlowered.com...has a 16 inch vertical leap...favorite musician is Paul Wall

Proof That Even Juwan Howard Thinks It's Funny That He Gets the Ball Sometimes:

Two Quick Notes

• I'll be on the Tree Fort internet radio show with fellow bloggers Suss and Tuffy talking about the playoffs tomorrow night.
• I started over at Sports by Brooks yesterday. I'll be bloggiting all day Saturday then liveblogging a game that night. Link to follow, but you should check it out.

The Weakest Link: Philadelphia 76ers

Someone, possibly Franz Liszt, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Philadelphia 76ers and Calvin Booth…

I was amazed that Calvin Booth was on the 76ers. He’s terrible. But so terrible that he’s awesome? Possibly.

Throughout his NBA career, Calvin Booth has sucked for 4 NBA teams (Dallas twice, Washington twice, Philly and Seattle). His highest season scoring average is 6.2. He is 6’11” and has averaged 2.8 reabounds per game for his career. So in general, yes, he sucks A LOT.

But here’s the kicker, in his 8 NBA seasons Calvin Booth has made $34,589,466. Well played, Calvin Booth. Well played, indeed.


Fun Facts:
Father is an orthodontist, mother runs an international shipping company…was born in Madagascar and grew up in Vermont…was prom king during his senior year of high school…favorite food is spinach-artichoke dip

Reason Number One Calvin Booth’s Dad Should Not Fix Your Teeth:

The Weakest Link: Phoenix Suns

Someone, possibly Albus Dumbledore, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Phoenix Suns and Eric Piatkowski…

Ohhhhh, Eric Piatkowski. Rogue Polishman of the National Basketball Association. How we in Blogwarts have seen your potential and appreciate your efforts. Nonetheless, fine sir, you are not to be feared. It is only in the rarest of cases that an unathletic, short, white man can succeed in this scary world.

It is with great trepidation that you enter the playoffs, wise Eric. The Suns future has been foretold and, sadly, you play the most minor of roles. But fear not! Hold dear to yourself the 36 point explosion on the eve of February 16, 2002. On that day, Eric Piatkowski, you were king.

Fun Facts:
Holds Clippers records for most 3-pointers made and attempted...owns a seafood restaurant in Lincoln, Nebraska...was Mr. Basketball in South Dakota...sole NBA endorser of Crew brand hair products...is a third generation professional basketball player

Further Proof That Eric Piatkowski is a Terrible Break Dancer:

The Weakest Link: Toronto Raptors

Someone, possibly a ninja, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Toronto Raptors and Joey Graham…

Maybe it’s a twin thing. I don’t know. But if you look at the history of NBA twins, it is not a happy one. We’ve already looked at the Collins twins (one terrible, one really bad). Another famous example is the Grant twins, Horace (pretty good) and Harvey (not very good at all). Maybe it comes from being split up, and therefore having their basketball ability halved. Like I said, I don’t know.

Anyways, the latest terrible basketball player to maybe make an impact on this year’s playoffs is Joey Graham. Along with twin brother Steve, the Grahams have had little to no impact on the basketball world. Mr. J.E. Skeets says Joey is “dumb as rocks.” But maybe it’s simpler than that. Maybe Joey just misses Stevie. Maybe he wishes they could be basketball brothers again. Or maybe he just sucks.

Yeah, it’s probably that last part.

Fun Facts:
Is a licensed pilot…though he usually shaves his head, Joey has blonde hair…favorite Subway sandwich is Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki…has an extensive dragonfly collection…along with brother Steve, owns several bed and breakfasts in Oklahoma

Further Proof That Twins Aren’t That Good When Separated:

The Weakest Link: Houston Rockets

Someone, possibly Hernando Cortez, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Houston Rockets and Mike Harris…

“Who is Mike Harris?” you might ask. Truthfully, I don’t really know. Supposedly he is a forward. Supposedly he attended Rice University, but as we all know, Rice is a food and not a university. Good try, “Mike Harris.”

His NBA player profile doesn’t have a picture of him. Basketball Reference has no record of “mike harris” or “michael harris” in the history of the NBA. However, a Google image search turns up a couple of pictures, but they are likely fakes.

From this evidence it is easy to determine the truth: Mike Harris is a hit man for the United States government.

Fun Facts:
Member of Treadstone project…skilled in more than 50 martial arts…has completed more than 270 missions, both domestically and abroad…favorite food is peanuts…has finished coursework for a master’s degree in hotel management

Proof That Mike Harris Knows Karate and That He is Not for Purchase:

The Weakest Link: Washington Wizards

Someone, possibly Xavier McDaniel, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Washington Wizards and Dominic McGuire…

It's hard for me to muster up a lot of ridicule for Dominic McGuire since he seems like a pretty funny guy. His exploits with fellow rookie Nick Young are fairly well-known across Blogfrica. Nonetheless, I must soldier on.

Peep Dominic's official NBA bio, it won't take long. As you can see, there isn't anything there. He's such a non-factor that even the NBA doesn't really care. Thankfully, the Blowtorch has uncovered the hard-hitting facts below.

Fun Facts:

Along with Nick Young, rents a house from Gilbert Arenas...one of 7 children, all who have the name "Nic(k)" in their names...aspires to be a hand model...favorite movie is "24 Hour Party People"...sleeps with more than 30 stuffed animals

Proof That Dominic McGuire Has Played in an NBA Game:

The Weakest Link: Utah Jazz

Someone, possibly Karl Marx, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Utah Jazz and Jarron Collins…

As Stanford University’s Brook and Robin Lopez await the NBA Draft, a NBA head’s thoughts naturally turn to Stanford’s own fabled Collins twins.

You see, the Collins twins (Jarron and Jason) were very good high school basketball players. So good in fact, that each of them were named to the McDonald’s All-American team. Together, they attended Stanford University where they were still good players, but not great. Each made numerous All-American teams and entered the NBA draft. Jason was picked in the first round while Jarron went late in the second.

Not surprisingly, the Collins twins have become below average pros. Unforeseen to most scouts, the Collins twins lack of athleticism, emotion, and intensity have left them as inconsequential pieces on sometimes decent teams. It is quite the task to determine which of the Collins twins have had the better career. Jason has appeared in an NBA Finals but was recently traded to the Grizzlies. Jarron has seen his playing time dwindle since his rookie year in Utah. So I take it back, it’s pretty obvious Jason is better.

Consider this a warning to all GMs thinking about Brook and Robin Lopez. Separating twins steals their powers.

Fun Facts:
Wears #31 in honor of Reggie Miller…favorite color is chocolate brown…nickname is Chocolate Brown…has sampled sushi from 47 of 50 states…favorite movie is “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”…bench presses 165 lbs.

Proof That Jarron Collins is the Crosseyed:

The Weakest Link: Cleveland Cavaliers

Someone, possibly Immanuel Kant, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Cleveland Cavaliers and Dwayne Jones…

The best way to sum up Dwayne Jones’ importance to the NBA at large is to review his transaction history.

June 2005 – as an early entry candidate, Jones is not drafted by an NBA franchise.
August 2005 – signed by the Minnesota Timberwolves
November 2005 – assigned to the D-League
January 2006 – traded to the Celtics along with Michael Olowokandi, Wally Szczerbiak for Marcus Banks, Mark Blount, Ricky Davis, and Justin Reed
October 2006 – traded to the Cavaliers for Luke Jackson
March 2007 – assigned to the D-League then recalled from the D-League

So basically, undrafted, T’wolves to the D-League then traded for a bust, a stiff, an idiot, and a nothing then traded for an injury machine then D-League, now to the Cavs! Way to go Danny Ferry!

Fun Facts:
Enjoys Japanese Kabuki theatre…regularly cuts Cavaliers teammates hair…was a member of the NIT All-Tournament team in 2005…owns a 27” LCD television…has 14 tattoos

Proof That Dwayne Jones is not Damon Jones:

The Weakest Link: Los Angeles Lakers

Someone, possibly Aristotle, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Los Angeles Lakers and DJ Mbenga…

Were he still a Warrior and the Warriors were to make the playoffs, it’s highly likely that DJ Mbenga would be their Weakest Link as well. But that’s all hypothetical, like trash talk. Right now, we’re talking about verifiable terribleness; smack talk if you will.

DJ Mbenga is a large man from the Congo. Unlike fellow countryman Dikembe Mutombo, Mbenga is not very good at basketball. However, as mentioned before, he is a large man. Ergo, DJ has chosen the career path of such luminaries as Boniface N’Dong and Pape Sow – be huge, play basketball, make money. Not a terrible job if you can get it. Seems to have worked out fine for Michael Olowokandi.

Fun Facts:
Has a black belt in judo…favorite American food is beet salad…once walked 120 miles to obtain limited edition Bapestas from a San Francisco boutique…is a well-respected Haiku writer in his native Congo…favorite basketball player is Michael Cooper

Proof That DJ Mbenga Has Played an NBA Game for the Lakers:

The Weakest Link: Orlando Magic

Someone, possibly Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Orlando Magic and all of their back-up big men…

Here is a list of bench players 6’9” and over that have played in games for the Magic this year:

Brian Cook
Pat Garrity
Adonal Foyle
James Augustine
Marcin Gortat
Bo Outlaw

I’m serious. Bo Outlaw played in a real NBA game for a real NBA team this season. I don’t think he’s actually on the roster right now, but that’s ridiculous. If Dwight goes down, the Magic are done. Sorry Turkey Glue.

Oh, and JJ Redick is ostensibly a member of the Magic.


Fun Facts:
James Augustine has the same birthday as my mother…Marcin Gortat gained entry in to the United States via a traveller’s backpack at age 3…Adonal Foyle has been a book critic for HOOP magazine…Pat Garrity records rap records as “Gat Parrity”…Brian Cook’s favorite food is salami sautéed in pickle juice

Proof That Bo Outlaw Played Basketball This Year (Probably):

The Weakest Link: San Antonio Spurs

Someone, possibly St. Thomas Aquinas, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the San Antonio Spurs and Matt Bonner…

Matt Bonner is basically Brian Scalabrine enhanced. He can kinda shoot threes, he can kinda rebound, and he has red hair. Ergo, Matt Bonner is essentially Brian Scalabrine’s doppelganger.

From everything that I’ve ever heard, if you are to ever meet your perfect doppelganger you will spontaneously explode. If that happens with Scalabrine and Bonner, neither San Antonio nor Boston will be that disappointed.

Fun Facts:
Nicknamed “the Red Rocket”…favorite food is a turkey sub…father is a postman and mother is an elementary school teacher…favorite musical artist is Dead Prez…owns 14% of Casino Rama in Toronto…member of Screen Actors Guild…once ate 13 goldfish at a county fair

Proof That Matt Bonner Has Signed Autographs:

The Weakest Link: Detroit Pistons

Someone, possibly Karl Marx, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the Detroit Pistons and Lindsey Hunter…

I bet you didn’t even know that Lindsey Hunter was on the Pistons. I didn’t. And honestly, I can’t believe he’s still playing. He played on a team with Isiah Thomas and Joe Dumars. When they were players. So kudos to Lindsey Hunter for still being able to play basketball, I suppose.

However, here are the headlines from this season (along with my thoughts) on NBA.com about Lindsey Hunter:

Oct. 15, 2007 – First Action of the Preseason
When it’s news that you actually played in a preseason game, that’s no bueno.
Oct. 27, 2007 – Could Play More Than Expected
Seems encouraging.
Nov. 15, 2007 – First Action of the Season
Three weeks from “could play more” to first action is not a good sign.
Dec. 6, 2007 – Season-high 12 Minutes
Yeah……
Jan. 11, 2008 – Seven Points in Return
Those 7 points are exactly 1/6 of all points that Lindsey has scored this year.
Mar. 15, 2008 – Return to Action on March 19
No stories for two months?

Pistons fans, if Lindsey Hunter plays in the playoffs you’ll either be really happy or really sad.

Fun Facts:
Was once suspended for testing positive for diet pills…Middle name is Benson…On road trips, Hunter can often be found frequenting local honkytonks and piano bars where he will often challenge another pianist to duel…second cousin of actress Holly Hunter and model Rachel Hunter…favorite song is “Motownphilly” by singing group Boys II Men

Proof That Lindsey Hunter is Indifferent About Playing in NBA Games:

The Weakest Link: New Orleans Hornets

Someone, possibly Socrates, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up next, the New Orleans Hornets and Mike James…

Mike James probably isn’t actually the worst player on the Hornets. That title probably falls to Chris Andersen, but James is way less cool, and therefore way more terrible. I mean, at least Chris Andersen provides some comedy.

Anyways, the following quote from January 15th (prior to James’s trade to the Hornets) assessing the fantasy sports aspect of Mike James tells everything you need to know about this creep:

“James, who was heralded as a significant addition to the roster when the Rockets obtained him in a trade for Juwan Howard last June, has not played in five of the past six games…James has fallen behind Rafer Alston, Luther Head and even rookie Aaron Brooks in the rotation. There's no reason to have James on your roster at this point.”

That’s on the NBA’s actual website, meaning that the NBA okayed one of its employees to essentially tell its audience that they would be an idiot to even consider having Mike James be on their fantasy team. Not a good sign. But he’s made all 6 of his free throws since joining New Orleans; suck on that NBA.

Fun Facts:
Scored 39 points in a game this one time…often confused with rapper Mike Jones…holds New York state high school state record for push-ups in 60 seconds (94)…favorite food is pierogies…spends off-seasons as an apprentice cheese maker in southern France…attended Duquesne University where he graduated with a degree in actuarial sciences

Photographic Evidence That Mike James Has Played in an NBA Game for the New Orleans Hornets:

The Weakest Link: Boston Celtics

Someone, possibly Ghandi, once said, “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.” I don’t really get what that means, but as the playoffs approach, El Blowtorch will be profiling the worst player on each team’s roster. Then, the players will face off in a simulated one-on-one game of NBA 2K8 if it’s available at Video Villa. Obviously, this will provide the in-depth analysis needed to predict the winners for each playoff series. Up first, the Boston Celtics and Gabe Pruitt…

Gabe Pruitt is a rookie point guard from USC who backs up Rajon Rondo, Sam Cassell, Sam Cassell’s nuts, Eddie House, and Tony Allen. I’m not saying that he sucks at playing basketball, but if you’re stuck behind Tony Allen and Eddie House, there’s a good chance you suck at basketball.

Pruitt last graced the court on February 25th, meaning that I have played more competitive basketball games than him in the last month and a half. For the season, Pruitt is averaging a whopping 2.0 points per game on a blazing .379 shooting percentage.

Fun Facts:
Once ate 14 Cheddar Bay Biscuits in one sitting at a Boston area Red Lobster…born with eleven fingers….prefers crew length socks…shuffleboard enthusiast…nickname is “Smiley Gabe”…shares birthday with Candace Parker, Scott Padgett, and Suge Knight…maintains bonsai trees as a hobby

Possible Proof That Gabe Pruitt Has Played in an NBA Game:

Scientists Create Horrific Basketball Playing Monster

BLYTHE, CA -- Late news emerged last night as leading experts in genetic recombination failed in an attempt to create the perfect basketball player. Doctors Nick Hansen and Adam Logalbo sought to merge the perimeter dominance of Kobe Bryant with the size and strength of Shaquille O’Neal, but were instead disappointed with their result.

“We thought we had the perfect plan,” said Logalbo, “Shaq’s size and Kobe’s quickness would be an unstoppable beast. We did not plan on the personality conflicts having this much impact.”

As former teammates O’Neal and Bryant were often at odds; the combination of these two opposed demeanors was known to be a problem but the doctors were unsure of the severity until the monster was hatched.

“Everything seemed fine at first,” Hansen said, “but once Shakobe tried his first dunk things went haywire.”

The doctors began the first work out with some short jump shots and then Hansen and Logalbo decided to test the monster by having him dunk. As Shakobe O’Bryant, the doctor’s name for the monster, rose to dunk, its brain was essentially scrambled by the contrasting messages being sent by each original player’s preference.

“We think the Shaq part wanted to tear the rim off with a two-handed jam, but the Kobe part would have liked a one-handed, soaring dunk,” Hansen said.

After landing from the failed dunk attempt, the doctors noticed that the monster had lost awareness and continually shouted, “I’m the best! No, I’m the best!” in differing voices. Though discouraged, the doctors have not lost faith in their project.

Said Logalbo, “our next study, combining Steve Nash and Tim Duncan, should go much better.”

Real E-Mails: Antawn Jamison

Last night, I got the following email from a kind fellow:

Subject: Antwain Jamison [sic]
Body: He looks like a black homer simpson

If I'm getting random e-mails comparing players to cartoon characters, I must be doing something right.

'Ello, Guvna

It’s finally 'appened! After years of campaignin', right, I cop to play for the chuffin' Queen. God save the queen! Right! Me and me good china, right, Luol Deng, will be representin' Britain in int'national tourneys. Is great! Oi! Now I need ter go shoppin'. 'it up Seville Row and start dressin' up. Burberry, right, for sure. Paul Smiff too. I’ve already got me scarf, me umbrella, and me drivin' cap. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. I luv bein' British! Oi!

Great Success

It's probably a little too early to be talking about this, but I really can't help it...

Over the summer, I'll be putting the final touches on The Blowtorch Presents: The NBA MATHEMATICSIZED!!! to be published by Anchor Books (publishers of the fantastic Hipster Handbook). Many thanks go to Lauren Harrington who really made this happen.

Expect this on most bookshelves for the beginning of next season.